


The Journal

by wendigochild13



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bisexual Harry Potter, Blow Jobs, Dark Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy in the Muggle World, Drarry, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Draco Malfoy, Hand Jobs, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Oral Sex, POV Draco Malfoy, POV Harry Potter, Pining Draco Malfoy, Romantic Angst, Slow Burn, Smoking Draco, Snarky Draco Malfoy, The 90's, grunge harry potter, metro grunge draco, numb harry potter, smug harry potter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-10 01:02:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12900627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendigochild13/pseuds/wendigochild13
Summary: After the war, students are asked to come back to Hogwarts for their Eight Year. Where Harry has become completely numb by all the deaths and sadness that has happened, and he no longer wants to feel anything. After returning to Hogwarts, Harry stumbles across Draco's personal journal and reads it which escalates an emotional roller coaster for him, and revealing forbidden feelings and new understandings.





	1. Feeling Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, this is my first time ever writing a Harry Potter/Drarry fanfic. I usually stick with SasuNaru, and this is my first time ever using the site. So bare with me, I am trying to do my best to capture the Harry Potter/British feel along with getting the characters right with my own take and writing style. Chapter two I already have typed out on my phone, just have to convert it. I hope people enjoy my story, and if not that's cool too.
> 
> Here is chapter one of The Journal, which started as a picture I made. 
> 
> I am all about Angst and Fluff, so here it goes. 
> 
> Chapter Two will be much longer since I technically wrote it first, lol
> 
> -CO
> 
> P.S If anyone catches spelling/grammar errors, do let me know. I can be bad about over looking those when I edit.
> 
> Also Coffin Nails is an old UK term for Cigarettes.

**The Journal**

_Feeling Numb_

Harry was extremely exhausted, once the war had ended and endured all the loss, all the sadness, he could no longer move forward. Funeral after funeral was so exhausting, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Not once had he cried, not once did any tears fill his eyes after the death of Voldemort, because after he went through all of it, after technically dying himself, being back and surviving the war. It had changed him, it made him completely and utterly numb. At first it was hard for him, to not feel anything, not in the way he wanted to. It was as if his feelings and emotions barely touched the surface, sometimes the feelings would come back, but it never felt the same. Merlin, when it started, Harry wanted the numbing to go away, he felt terrible being stuck in this limbo. However after some time passed by, he gave up and invited it all in. letting go of his emotions and everything, allowing, not to let himself feel because he felt that was how he was supposed to move forward, and it helped. He was finally able to move forward, even if it meant he didn’t quite feel the same anymore. War changes people, and it had changed him. No longer finding pleasure in things and activities that brought him happiness before. Being with Ginny was no longer the same, he always felt dead inside when he’d been with her, and she felt the same. The death of Fred had taken quite the toll on her, and the Weasley family. Harry felt guilty for what happened to them, but he wanted Ginny to be happy, and he felt that he was holding her back. Eventually the two separated, but they stayed good friends, because she will always be family to him. Of course everyone had told Harry that he needed the mourn, for the loss of their loved ones, but he couldn’t and now he wouldn’t.

After a while Harry had decided he was going to move out of the Weasley home to move on, because staying there was starting to become too hard and he knew he would need to leave eventually. Hermione had been staying with them for a long while as well, but she eventually went back to her parents to work on their memories and relationship. She came by often though. Ron was the only person Harry had talked about this with for now, who was reluctant but understood what Harry wanted to do with his life, hoping that it would help his dear friend to feel something once more, and after some time Harry felt it was his time to leave. That morning he decided he would look around for lofts, when two letters arrived for him, one of them was anonymous; **_“You’re still a git scarhead, but Happy Birthday.”_** Who could have sent this? Harry raised an eyebrow in surprise, having a hunch on who it might be, but the shook the idea out of his head as it seemed strange. That’s when he realised it was indeed his birthday. He had completely forgotten, so much was going on in his head that he forgot about it. Which of course the Weasley’s didn't and threw him a surprise party. That's when the next letter arrived, one for Ron too. Hogwarts letters, claiming that anyone who was involved in the war was welcome to come back and get the proper education that they deserved. Harry wasn’t so sure that he would come back, if he physically could, but Hermione and Ron begged him, telling him that this might be what he needs to get back on his feet, to move forward. That some normalcy might help him to feel again, which he didn't want to. Reluctantly he had agreed with a slight smile on his lips, thinking that maybe they were right. So he agreed to go back with them, and now that he was here, it was hard. Seeing the school period was a roller coaster, thinking about all the deaths that happened here, but Harry pushed back all his emotions successfully. He would not feel, not these emotions. Not the sadness. He had to stay in limbo.

The school came a long way, it was nearly perfect again. All the 8th years were to share dorms, and a common room, it was strange though. All the houses have lived somewhere else all their years here at Hogwarts, so all of them being together was just a sodding weird feeling. Especially with the Slytherins, but Harry didn’t care. They probably wanted to move forward as much as he did, so he wanted to keep an open mind. Waiting for all the announcements to end, Harry felt a pair of icy gray eyes on him, he turned his head around and caught Malfoy staring at him in the great hall. Eyes locking for nearly a second before gazing back at Headmistress Mcgnagall, who was explaining everything and welcoming everyone back to a new year. A new stress free year, and Harry hoped she was right. He was exhausted, and didn’t want to worry about danger anymore. Staying numb was all he could focus on.

“Merlin, It’s so weird being back here.” Ron stated as the lot of them were walking down the halls to their new common room.

“I find it soothing, we were gone for so long.” Hermione gave a smile before grabbing Ron’s hand. Harry sighed in relief, he may not have been sure he wanted to come back before, but now he was happy to be there, with his friends. Mcgnagall welcomed them to their new common room, it was small but comforting, and different. Drapes were hanging on the walls representing every house in the common room.

A week had passed, and Harry felt that the school didn’t feel the same, but he didn’t regret coming. On his way to the great hall for breakfast, he was walking rather quickly and did not pay attention while taking a sharp turn around a corner, only to find himself crashing into none other than the tosser Malfoy. The fair skinned boy with sharp features stumbled backwards, his gray eyes widened but then narrowed, not pleased by the interaction Harry assumed, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about Malfoy now. He did help by not identifying him, and Harry had saved him in that fire. Also if Malfoy hadn’t disarmed Dumbledore of his wand, Harry wouldn’t have been able to claim the Elder wand and defeat Voldemort. So there was that to be thankful for as well. Was Malfoy to be trusted this year though? If his mother Narcissus hadn’t lied for him as well, things would have been different, very different. Glad that the two of them didn’t end up going to Azkaban since their small actions did help during the war.

“Merlin, watch where you’re going Potter.” Malfoy regained his stance, and kept his eyes narrowed at him, but Harry could see some color on that pale face of his. Harry gave him a slight smirk and kept walking, certain emotions were easier for Harry to handle than other.

“Sorry Malfoy,” His voice echoed down the hall after him, Harry glanced over his shoulder to see him still standing there, staring before rushing off. _Odd._ Harry thought before meeting up with Ron and Hermione for breakfast. They ate delicious sausage not as good as Mrs. Weasley's though, then attended classes, talked to old class mates who he was genuinely happy to see. Neville, was so courageous now, Harry couldn’t help but smile for him, and quirky Luna always brought him joy, Seamus and Dean were a hilarious dou. Being in rhythm with his friends was comforting, and seemed to make him forget about everything. Just as Harry wanted it. Once they reached the library to start studying for their classes, Harry stopped to talk to him friends before sitting down because then he would be in study mode.

“It’s so weird, having classes, I never thought I would have this normalcy again. Why do we need to study thought? He were out there, doing the real work, it feels odd to go back to learning.” Harry’s voice echoed through the library.

“Shh Harry, just sit down, and get to work.” Hermione shushed him, and he knew she meant well, but he wasn’t ready to study again, to go back to this life yet. He stood there awkwardly for a long moment before speaking again, setting down his books.

“But doesn’t it feel off Hermione?” Harry pressed, and he heard someone shout out his name, to shut it. Hermione gave him a look, knowing he wasn’t ready yet but her eyes gave him a comforting feeling. Ron kept his nose in his workbook so Hermione wouldn’t scold him from keeping her from her beloved studying. “Okay fine. Fine.” Harry said a little more loudly than he had intended, and that’s when it had happened.

“ _Shut up Potter!_ ” Shouted a familiar voice, and out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw a green book flying in his direction, and before he could dodge it, it had smacked him flat in the face before falling to the ground with a thud, Harry’s seeker reflexes were out of practice. Ron and Hermione laughed then went back to their business. Harry gave them an annoyed look before running after Malfoy who was fleeing the scene with Zabini and Parkinson. Harry whirled after them, his converse squeaked on the ground before he caught up to Malfoy who seemed to slow his pace for some reason. Being an 8th year they were granted a bit more freedom with the wardrobe and Harry loves his chucks quite a bit. 

“Malfoy, what gives?” Harry’s voice came out a little harsh, mostly from his embarrassment.

“What? Can’t handle a book hitting you in the face Potter? You’ve been through so much worse I'd imagine.” Malfoy’s voice came out in a sneer with a devious grin, Harry raised an eyebrow. He was right, he had been through worse, but that was not the point.

“Oh I get it. _Merlin_ , is my presence such an impact to you, that you can't stand the idea of my ignoring you.” Harry teased with a grin, and once he was caught up enough with Malfoy, he decided to add something else to throw off his precious Slytherin guard. “Is it Draco?” The name seemed to slip off his tongue perfectly, almost intimately, Harry pushed the idea to the back of his head.

At that, Malfoy whirled on Harry. Spinning on his heels to look Harry in the eyes, his face was flushed with anxiety. Harry seemed confused, but gave him another smug grin before Malfoy disappeared with his friends, his robes flowing behind him. Making his way back to the table in the library where his friends were studying, he glanced down to see the green book laying on the ground half open. Harry picked it up, inspecting it cautiously. “This must be Malfoy’s workbook.” Harry stated quietly as he sat down with Ron and Hermione finally. The book was a soft leather type material with crisp clean ivory pages, and the cover said _Property of Draco Malfoy_. Harry opened it to see exactly what it was, and his green eyes widened as he quickly slammed it shut. _Merlin fucking shit._

Annoyed by the ruckus, Hermione glanced over at Harry, eyeing him. “For Merlin’s sake, what is it?” She inquired, her curls bouncing as she spoke. Ron then glanced up from his book to see what was going on.

“What is that?” Ron asked, a quizzical expression across his face.

“It’s . . . I thought it was Malfoy’s workbook that he threw at me,” Harry paused, to look them in the eyes, lowering his voice to a whisper. “But it’s his _journal_.”

“So?” Hermione asked, not really understanding why that was such a big deal, she kept lots of journals. She had kept specific journals for spells, charms, potions, hexes etc. Harry sighed, keeping his voice low so that no one else would hear them.

“It’s a _personal_ journal.” Harry nodded his head in a motion that he hoped they understood. Hermione’s face went white.

“Bloody hell, like a diary??” Ron’s voice picked up, and Harry tried to shush him, nodded back at him. He opened it, and glanced at the first page for curiosity, seeing his name written in there, but he closed the book seeing that his friend Hermione was now giving him a disappointed look.

“Merlin Harry, don’t read it. That’s Malfoy’s personal thoughts.” She hissed at him.

“He mentioned me though,”

Before he could continue, Hermione interrupted him again. “So what Harry? The two of you have been obsessed with each other for years, it shouldn’t come as a surprise.” She rolled her eyes at him, which caused Ron to laughed rather loudly where several other student shushed him to be quiet.

“We are not,” Harry tried protesting, but once he thought about it, he knew it was true. The whole 6th year, he spent it following Malfoy, and obsessing over him. Granted it was because he suspected he was a Death Eater and wanted to see what he was up to. “Okay, maybe we were. _Maybe_ I should read this, to know if he’s completely trustworthy.” Harry suggested.

“No way Harry, that is his _personal_ property. You can’t just go on and read it, and I doubt Malfoy would be pulling anything now, he’s lucky to not be locked away in Azkaban. He’d be foolish to be up to anything, and why would he?” Hermione stated, having a worried look across her face, hoping that Harry wouldn’t read it anyway, because sometimes he did stupid arse shit anyway.

“Mione is right Harry, it would be bloody amazing to read it, but you shouldn’t. Doubtful Malfoy is up to anything. I think you just want a reason to read it.” Hermione gave an appreciative smile to Ron, for agreeing with her, and Harry sighed. He knew the two of them were right after all, and now they were the perfect power couple.

“Fine, I won’t read it. I’ll give it back to him tomorrow.” Harry adjusted his glasses before opening up one of his textbooks to read. Hermione and Ron nodded in unison and went back to their studying. Nothing else was said after, but the journal couldn’t leave Harry’s thoughts. It was something to keep his mind of things and he would indulge in that.


	2. Understanding Draco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry feels himself drawn to the journal and goes through uncomfortable feelings as he reads, being inside Draco's head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everyone, here is chapter 2 and it's a long one that took me a while to edit and make sure everything looked good. Now I hope I didn't get anything wrong at all, and if anyone catches anything wrong, please let me know! Or any HP facts that I missed or something. This is my first HP and Drarry fanfic, so just bare with me. lol 
> 
> Chapter 3 is in the process of getting typed out, and edited.
> 
> I used the British spelling of Realise instead of Realize, and also Coffin Nails are an old British term for Ciggs.

**Chapter Two**

_Understanding Draco_

Draco made his way down the corridor where he was able to catch back up with his fellow Slytherin friends Blaise and Pansy. The lot of them gazed at Draco who was now at their pace. They didn’t rip eye contact with him for even a long moment, so Draco grimaced, feeling annoyed. “What?” His tone was sharp and snappy. They exchanged glances, and kept on walking until they arrived at their new common room. It was going to take some getting acclimating to, considering they were used to the dungeons, under the lake, so it was frankly odd. The fair skinned boy sat on the couch, along with them by his side.

“So why did you throw that book at Potter anyhow?” Blaise asked with a sly grin, keeping his posture completely perfect Draco admired, he had just as sharp features as himself. “It’s not as if he was speaking _that_ loud.” Draco ignored him.

“It’s because he wanted potter’s attention, and he _ignored_ Draco.” Pansy added, mischievousness glowing in her eyes, feeling pleased with herself. Draco shot them both an annoyed sneer.

“Oh piss off you two, whatever you’re trying to get at, just stop.” He waved his hand at them feeling annoyed, but they were right, and they knew it because it wasn't like they were daft. “It won’t ever happen.” Draco stated, and before he could continue, they were interrupted. Not physically, but there were harsh stares lingering on them, glares. The students wanted them gone, and so Draco stood up. He knew he could stand up to them, Blaise and Pansy too, but being back under their track record, it was best to just be civil, not even that plain and simple ignoring them should be sufficient, at least for now. Also Draco was feeling the need to have a coffin nail, so he stood up anyway and headed upstairs to his room to get them out so he could have a smoke. Pansy and Blaise stayed behind, giving the other students harsh glares in return, not breaking eye contact. It made him happy to see that, because those two could be very intimidating.

Once Draco made his way up the stairs to his dorm room, he was rooming with Blaise undoubtedly. His bed was on the left side of the room and he perched his bed right next to a window so that he could easily have a relaxing smoke while he studied. He hopped up on his silk sheets, and dug around in his bag looking for his coffin nails, finally found them, pulling out his pack of Dunhill Menthols. He opened up his window, letting in the cool crisp air. Normally he liked smoking outside, it was more of a relaxing feel for him, but every once in awhile, he enjoyed smoking while writing in his journal, and that’s what he wanted to do today. After his run in with Potter, he was thrown off guard and came across very flustered. Potter called him by his first name. Not once had he ever done that, it was _always_ Malfoy. Potter seemed so smug, and that’s probably why he did it, just to rattle Draco. Throwing him off, wanting to tease him by all means. He seems different this year though, Draco could feel that there was something off about Potter, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He lit the Dunhill, and inhaled, blowing smoke out of the window. It was his favorite time of the day, dusk. All the shades in the sky were the most beautiful around this time, it was like a painting. He left the Dunhill dangling from his thin lips as he searched around in his bag, looking for the familiar soft green journal.

Ashes fell as he failed to inhale the coffin nail, it was burning away and thick smoke wallowed up in the air, flowing out the window. Draco bit down on the Dunhill in fear, his stomach lurching into knots. _Where was it?_ He then dumped out his whole bag, books, works books, parchments, quills fell from the bag. The contents spread about his bed, he gazed upon the objects seeing if any of them were what he was looking for. Sweat build up on his forehead, and he felt sick to his stomach. He then whisked his wand, as drawers flowed open, papers scattering everywhere. His pale blonde brows furrowed as he grumbled angrily, and he tried summoning it, but nothing happened. _Merlin's Arse._ The door swung open, with Blaise and Pansy walking in with shock exposed expressions. Seeing how much of a wreck the room looked like.

“Darling, what’s going on?” Pansy asked cautiously, scanning Draco and the room.

“It’s gone.” He heaved angrily, throwing the Dunhill out the window for it had completely burned out to the filter. He wiped the ashes off of his nice long black coat, displeased.

“What’s gone?” Blaise inquired, finally closing the door behind them.

“My _journal._ ” He snapped his head up at them, examing as his friends grow very still.

“Fuck,” Blaise replied, and Pansy narrowed her eyes at him.

Draco sighed, slumping down on his bed. He ran a hand through his hair, gripping it in anxiety, it hurt but he didn’t care. He couldn’t lose that journal. It had his personal thoughts in it ever since he was eleven years old, and very intimate secrets. Secrets he never told anyone before, not even his best friends, but they were clever. If someone got their hands on it, they could ruin him, make his life a living hell, or worse blackmail him. Especially out of revenge for his allegiance during the war, some dim witted person could find it, and depending on what they read . . . Draco clutched tighter on his hair before pulling out a new Dunhill to smoke, and this time he smoked it till he reached the filter. Feeling slightly light headed for smoking it too fast, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see Blaise and Pansy cleaning the room back to how it was before.

\--

It was late, and Harry shoved all his textbooks out of the way so he could drop down on his bed, and relax. He left his two best friend’s to snog while he went upstairs to his room and shutting the curtains around his bed. He laid there for a long while, putting up a front was getting harder for him as school went on, but deep down he still felt numb, and that’s how he wanted it. Keeping himself busy does help every once in awhile, but it was starting to exhaust him more and more when putting up that front, making it look like he was okay. Finally he could be to himself, so he decided to just go on to bed, that would be best for him right now. _Yes_. He thought to himself while changing, and getting ready. He took off his glasses, and curled under the sheets, ready for the night to take him in. Harry tossed and turned for a bit, still he couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Something was egging him in the back of his head, pestering him till he caved. The _journal._ Harry whipped up, slid his glasses on and grabbed the journal from his bag, examining it for a long while. He sort of, kinda put a spell on it so Draco couldn't summon it he didn't know why, but he did. Debating in his head, knowing he shouldn’t read it, but if he did he would get to know the real Malfoy. However, these were his personal thoughts, only meant for him, and him alone. Holding the soft journal in his hands, opening it, then closing it. Debating.

“Bollocks, just a few pages wouldn’t hurt anything would it?” Harry asked himself out loud, and he pulled the covers over his head and cast a weak lumos charm with his wand so he could privately read the journal to himself. He didn’t want Ron to find out what he was doing, because he already said he wouldn’t read it, then that would bring an angry Hermione on his arse too. Harry opened up the crisp pages of the journal, realising that it was a muggle journal, an expensive one at that. Harry remembered seeing ones similar to it back at the Dursley's, his Aunt Petunia collected fancy journals, he assumed anyway considering he never saw her write in any of them. _It suited Malfoy._ Opening it back up. He decided to start at the beginning, where they first met, and only read the entries that seemed to pop out to him the most.

**Entry #15**

_It was my first day at Hogwarts today, and the young fellow boy I met at my robes fitting was none other than Harry Potter. Of course I didn’t see his scar, so I had no idea it was him. Merlin. He rejected my friendship, and pride. Instead he is tainting his life with a Weasley and Mudblood. I could have shown him the way, but no . . . I hate him!_

**Entry #20**

_I like Professor Snape, he really knows how to handle Potter, making a fool out of him, I hope he gets what he deserves._

**Entry #27**

_I saw Potter today in the library, he looked stupid._

It was a short entry, but it made Harry snort out a laugh. _Merlin Malfoy._

**Entry #40**

_A troll was let loose, it was pretty frightening, and of course Potter and his bloody git of friends took on the troll, and survived! He’s getting all this glory. If he hadn’t gotten to it first, I bet I could have handled it . . . maybe not, but I hate that Potter looking like a bloody hero._

**Entry #53**

_Today was the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin, Harry became a bloody seeker his first year. I guess he’s like his father, who was also a great seeker . . . not that I’m saying Potter is a great seeker or anything. Gryffindor won unfortunately, Potter caught the golden snitch by swallowing it up. How bloody disgusting, just like the peasant he is. What was odd tho, was the fact that someone seemed to be trying to hex Potter during the match._

**Entry #65**

_I followed Potter and his stupid friends trying to smuggle out that Dragon of Hagrids. What a git. I got detention along with the rest of them from being out past curfew._

**Entry #66**

_I had detention with the bloke Potter and his gits today, it was awful! We went into the forest, and Potter and without a doubt we get paired with each other. We were doing peasants works, bloody peasants work for Merlin’s sake. Not only that, we get attacked by this weird creature . . . or person? It was drinking the Unicorn's blood. It went after Potter tho, what was it? He’s okay, not that I care . . ._

**Entry #71**

_The end of the year is nearing by, and I’m trying to study for exams. It’s hard to concentrate when across the room is the bloody peasant Potter! He seemed worried, and conversing with that Granger girl._

**Entry #78**

_I’ll be going home in a couple of days, but I did great with all my classes. Also once again, Potter became this great hero! Defeating who shall not be named, or Professor Quirrell? Well who cares, he was a dim wit. Anyway Potter almost died, but he survived and defeated him. His friends almost died too. Glad they’re all okay, they all may be annoying, but don’t deserve to die. Not that I care, Merlin._

**Entry #98**

_Summer has already flown by so quickly, father is going to get the Slytherin Quidditch team brand new brooms this year when I join to be a seeker! Now I can really go against Potter, show him how it’s really done. Speaking of the git, I wonder what he’s doing all summer? I bet getting himself into trouble._

**Entry #99**

_Dobby went missing last night, I wonder where he was off to, and father gave him a pretty brutal beating. I almost feel bad for the elf. Almost._

Harry felt his his heart clench by the mere mention of Dobby, his loyal friend till the very end, and reading about him brought back feelings that harry had been trying to avoid, emotions that needed to go back to where he had been shoving them. The last thing he wanted was to truly feel anything, to feel numb again. Harry breathed in, and concentrated on not feeling anything at all. Once he felt better, Harry continued reading because he couldn’t put the journal down. Already addicted. 

**Entry #100**

_I saw Potter today and his worthless friends. Potter looked like his same stupid self again, but he seemed dirty. Well dirtier than usual, like soot? Seems weird, but my father chatted with them the most. I thought I saw him put something in that Weasley’s girl’s cauldron? Later I didn’t see Potter on the train, or in the great hall till much, much later. I heard that he and Weasel face, ha Weasel face! That’s a perfect nickname . . . anyway they almost got expelled. The Gits._

**Entry #112**

_So today that silly Weasel bee boy tried to get back at me for calling Granger a mudblood, and the gits spell counteracted, which caused him to puke up slugs. Merlin it was hilarious._

Harry gritted his teeth, remembering that day all too well, he didn’t know what mudblood meant, but he had been so relieved for Ron trying to stick up for her, even if his wand was all kinds of messed up. Harry sighed, pushing back his emotions again, and continued reading the journal, flipping through non interesting entries where Malfoy talked about spells he was improving on, or charms. Then Harry’s lips went into a crisp smile as he passed many entries where Malfoy happened to talk about what a bloody idiot Lockhart was. Remembering that idiot made him laugh, and was relieved that Malfoy indeed thought the man was such an idiot as well. After flipping through many more entries, Harry realised that Malfoy suddenly switched from using a quill to a muggle pen, and the ink was very thin and dark. Must have been a nice pen, Harry thought.

**Entry #130**

_So today, I had my quidditch match against Potter, and bloody hell . . . I thought Potter was good at flying, but the git has proven to be amazing at it. Reckless, but brilliant. He did end up breaking his arm, and Lockhart tried helping him . . . ended up making it worse and sending him to the hospital. Serves him right. Potter. If only I hadn’t been so focused on taunting Potter, I would have noticed the snitch hovering right by me._

  **Entry #134**

_Potter and I were dueling today, I was actually doing quite well, but once I used the Serpensortia spell, which sent a serpent at Potter, something very strange happened, and Potter spoke to it. Parselmouth. What the bloody hell? Rumors are now circling around that he is the true heir to Slytherin, but weird things are also happening around the school . . . is Potter behind it? Impossible, Merlin . . . it has to be. He’s the golden boy._

**Entry #140**

_I’ve been watching Potter more lately during classes, and studying. He seems distraught, and exhausted. Probably because idiots think think he’s truly behind it all._

**Entry #144**

_Greg and Vincent were acting weird today, **extremely** odd. Bloody hell, those two are always forgetful, but more than usual. Especially with all that’s happening here at Hogwarts, Granger better be careful, being the mudblood that she is._

**Entry #170**

_It happened to Granger, she’s been petrified, luckily she didn’t die, I might look down on her, but she doesn’t deserve to die. Potter and Weasel face must be a bloody wreck._

Harry stopped after that last entry, setting down his wand so he could gather his thoughts. Malfoy put up a strong front but deep down, he really was just like everyone else. After a couple of long moments, Harry breathed calming his anxiety so that he could continue reading. He picked his wand back up so that he could keep reading the journal. Harry scanned through many entries, trying to find something of interest. However every once in awhile Harry stumbled upon an entry of Malfoy looking at him in classes, thinking he looked stupid. _Merlin_. He sure did mention him a lot. A _lot_. Harry gulped as a slight flush crossed his cheeks.

**Entry #175**

_Well Potter did it again, he saved the whole school, with help from Weasley as well. From what I heard. Bloody hell, honestly shocked that that they even managed any of it without Granger. Those gits. Also Potter tricked my father into freeing Dobby! Stupid Peasant._

Harry yawned, he wanted to keep reading, but he could feel himself being lost in sleep, exhaustion calling him in. So he extinguished his wand and eventually let the sleep pull him under, with the green journal laying on his chest. Within seconds, he was sound asleep with the rising and falling of his chest.

\--

Draco was furious on his way going to class, feeling anger well behind his eyes. He gritted his teeth, furrowing his brow and he couldn’t believe that his journal was still missing, and the idea of not knowing where it was stressed him out on an extreme level. He grumbled to himself, sitting by himself while Professor Slughorn rambled on and on about some potion Draco didn’t give a bloody arse about. He used to So he fiercely opened up his workbook, and wrote down messy thoughts of his, he needed to write down his entries somehow until he could find his journal. Pretending that he was writing down notes for the class, really he just scribbling down thoughts when the door suddenly opened up and Potter walked in. Draco’s eyes widened, just realising that he indeed was not in class, and then felt bad for not noticing. Potter gave an apologetic smile, and sat down next to his redhead friend, Weasel Bee. Draco watched closely, seeing that Potter was sloppily dressed and his dark curled were tangled up. _He must have overslept._ He suddenly adverted the direction of his glance because Potter now looking at him, they briefly locked eyes before he turned back to Weasley whispering something to him. Draco narrowed his eyes, _what was that about?_ When Draco took one last quick glance at the git, he noticed Potter looked mad, probably because Weasley didn’t wake him up for class. Later on that day, he joined his fellow Slytherin friends in the great hall for dinner that night. He mostly fiddled around with his food, not feeling all that hungry, the anxiety in his gut made him lose an appetite. So he glared down at it for some time now, wishing he knew the whereabouts of his journal, because not knowing where it was, just made him all the more anxious.

“You know, you did throw a book out at Potter yesterday.” Blaise piped in, causing Draco to whip his head up.

“So?” Draco raised an eyebrow at his friend, trying to find the connection to this.

“It may have been your journal.” He stated, and Draco’s face went white, and with his fair complexion he looked pasty.

“Merlin. Draco, he’s right. That probably was your journal!” Pansy exclaimed enthusiastically, too much enthusiasm for her. Draco didn’t reply, all he did was put his head in his hands, grasping at his hair. Dreading the thought that Potter probably did indeed have his journal, and Draco had too much pride to ask him for it back. _Would it be safe with Potter?_ He wondered while wanting a coffin nail. Potter wouldn’t read it, would he?

\--

Harry went through his day in a haze, but could find that he was way too excited to get back to his room and continue reading Malfoy’s personal thoughts. Harry knew it was bad of him to be doing this, but there was just something about it, he couldn’t seem to stop. So that night he retired back his room pretty early, explaining to Ron and Hermione that he was feeling under the weather, which Hermione looked as if she didn’t buy it. Harry quickly changed for bed and slid under the blankets again. Reading the journal kept Harry from having to worry about the emotions, and feelings rushing to him, even if it did sometimes bring back thoughts and feelings. He illuminated his wand again, shut his curtains around his bed, and pulled the blanket over so he could continue reading, opening the journal and it’s crisp pages where he left off.

**Entry #178**

_For the love of Merlin, why can’t I sleep? I keep dreaming about Potter, and the worst part of it is, I can’t remember what the dreams are. I wake up in a sweat. Do I hate him that much that he follows my dreams? That has to be it . . ._

“What?” Harry raised his eyebrows at that first entry he read, he shook his head so that he could calm himself. _Bloody hell._

**Entry #179**

_Dementors came on our train today, I’ve read about them, but never actually seen any in person before. The way everything went cold as they appeared as flowing black creatures, it could send shivers down your spine. I was told they were looking for the criminal Sirius Black who had escaped from from Azkaban. The Dementors left us all alone, except Potter for some reason. I’m not quite sure what happened, but I heard that he fainted. When I tried asking about what happened, that Weasel boy told me to shove off. Whatever, not like I was that interested anyway._

Harry scanned through the less interesting entries about his classes, blabbering on, and on about other students he didn’t care for. Then he paused, seeing that Buckbeak was mentioned, and Harry bit his lip.

**Entry #186**

_That git Hagrid is teaching a class this year. Ptsh. Blimey, how did he even pull that off? And we have these terrifying books, before I knew how to open it, the bloody thing attacked me, practically eating my favorite sweater. Stupid thing. Anyway, Hagrid shows us this creature called a Hippogriff. It was majestic and beautiful, Potter of course was the first to respect him, and got to go flying. I was feeling so jealous of him getting all the attention as always, I tried to show off, as if it wasn’t that hard. I messed up, and got hurt by the thing. I’m afraid I was acting a bit dramatically as well. I now hear that the creature is to meet its end, should not have let my father know, hopefully I can get that Hagrid fired. My arm is hurt pretty badly, but it could have been worse._

Harry paused, noticing that Malfoy skipped several entries, days even. He didn’t ever do that before. Did he actually feel bad for Buckbeak? Harry sighed, running a hand through his dark curls. Harry read through a couple of boring entries of stupid spells he, Crabb and Goyle were working on together.

**Entry #196**

_There was a quidditch match today, tried to teach Potter a lesson by posing as dementors and he successfully used a Patronus Charm against us, along with real dementors. He fell off of his broom from so high in the sky, I didn’t actually know what would have happened to him. Thankfully he’s okay though. It would be bothersome if he got hurt._

Harry stared down at the entries he had read so far, going back and flipping through ones he already read, making sure that this was not in his head, it wasn’t. He could feel his face heating up, no burning up. Malfoy talked about him a lot, more than enough for someone who liked to talk badly about someone they didn’t like. Harry could feel his stomach clenching, and chest tightening. After a couple of deep breaths, calming his nerves, he went back to reading, now seeing that Malfoy talked about studying and such with Parkinson and Zabini.

**Entry #200**

_What is going on with Granger this year? I swear on Merlin’s beard that one minute she’s nowhere to be seen, then she suddenly appears out of nowhere._

**Entry #205**

_I heard a rumor about that criminal Sirius Black and that he’s after Potter. Why is it that danger always seems to follow him around? He doesn’t seem so worried about it, however that could possibly just be his front? I see him now in the great hall as I’m writing this, eating his breakfast. He’s such a sloppy eater, what a git._

Harry’s green eyes widened in shock, did Malfoy really pay that much attention to him while he ate? In general? Harry was starting to feel light headed from his lack of sleep, the corners of his vision were getting blurry. He wanted to keep reading though, the journal was sucking him in like a drug.

**Entry #209**

_The Hippogriff mysteriously disappeared, hm, Good._

_P.S Granger slapped me today._

Harry smiled at that last entry, it was another short entry that made him laugh. He flipped through the pages, disappointed when finding out that the rest of the year Malfoy mostly talked about his studies. So Harry paused seeing that Malfoy stopped writing for a long time, and started back up again months later. Going into their fourth year, he jerked his head up by a sound that slightly made him jump. Once realising that it was only Ron murmuring in his sleep, Harry was surprised to see Ron, he didn’t even notice him, or how late it was for that fact.

**Entry #220**

_Still having the dreams, I keep seeing Potter being attacked by the Dementors, and I don’t know why, they shouldn’t be a problem anymore, and I know he can ward them off fine, so I shouldn’t worry._

**Entry #222**

_I keep getting owls from my friends, and we’re all at that age where we talk about girls, and who we like. I feel as if something is wrong with me, I don’t seem to care for girls, or is it no girl has yet to peak my interest? Pansy and I have a lot in common, but can’t seem to see her romantically at all. Purely platonic._

**Entry #225**

_This is going to be an intriguing year at Hogwarts, it’s the Triwizard Tournament. Unfortunately I am too young to partake in it. I must admit, I was amused by the ambition of the Weasley twins trying that aging potion, of course it backfired on them, just as the mudblood had told them. Different schools are here, as the Triwizard Tournament is being held here at Hogwarts. Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, also Viktor Krum is here . . ._

Harry fought back any emotions that tried resurfacing from the mention of Fred and George, Harry glanced over at Ron who was sleeping soundlessly. Trying not to wake him up with his wand, he went back under the covers.

**Entry #226**

_Dumbledore drew out the names today,but for crying out loud that arse Potter got chosen, how? How did he get his name in that Goblet? Merlin how frustrating, however I must admit the look on his face was pure fear. It could have just been an act, but I don’t know. That looked pretty bloody real._

**Entry #231**

_That bloody Professor Alastor Moody transfigured me into a fucking Ferret! I was only trying to play it tough to Potter, and this happens to me. I’m so embarrassed! Potter will never take me serious again!_

Harry tried to muffle his snort, remembering that moment, also by the fact that Malfoy seemed to care so much what he thought of him, _must have been a pride thing_. Harry thought to himself, _It was so bloody funny though._

**Entry #235**

_I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I keep catching myself stealing glances of Krum while he’s running, or when he’s simply just walking around the halls. I’ve also noticed it with Potter too, and he seems so lonely right now with that fight he had with Weasel face. I often see him reading by a tree most days. Watching how his dark curls blow in the wind, and his dark complexion always shines beautifully in the sun. What am I rambling on about? I didn’t even mean to write that!_

Harry suddenly closed the journal, feeling the heat on his face and rushing to his ears, and he extinguished his wand of the light. He had to try and sleep after that last entry, he didn’t know if he could read any more of it after that. Malfoy talked about his hair, and he noticed him when he was lonely? Harry had no idea that Malfoy paid this much attention to him, and why? Harry was always bad at being observant, and he felt just as confused as Malfoy did during these entries, not catching on to what they really meant. Feeling his chest tightening as he let the exhaustion take him in, he needed to sleep on it. Process everything. Harry knew he would be telling Ron to go on without him in the morning, pretending he still felt sick.

\--

The next day Draco stomped to his classes hearing his boots tap as he angrily made his way down the hallway, he’d barely eaten anything since the idea of Potter having his journal made his stomach lurch. He could just march right up to him, and ask. Knowing that’s what he _should_ do, but could he? He felt too nervous to just go up and ask Potter about it. Where was his pride? Sitting around, and hoping Potter brought it to him was a false hope he had. Also, what if Potter didn’t pick it up? What if someone else had? The anxiety made his head hurt. He should have enchanted the journal in some way, but he never did. Now he knew he was going to regret it, _really_ regret it. Rubbish, and it appears Potter was late for his own classes again, Draco examined, but as the day went on, there was still no sign of Potter at all. Was he sick?

\--

Harry opened up the crisp pages of the journal, now able to read it in peace for the day since he was alone in the dorm room. Harry glossed over many entries that didn’t seem so interesting to him, until he stumbled upon Draco mentioning the first task. However Harry was having a hard time trying to read it, as part of it was scratched out.

**Entry #243**

_Oh Merlin, the first task is going to be **dragons**! Be careful Potter, well I mean all the contestants. _

_Why’d he scratch that out?_ Harry thought to himself as he continued.

**Entry #247**

_Today was the first task, everyone was brilliant! Even precious Potter, but it looked like he succeeded by **barely** a thread. The git did a good job at least._

**Entry #249**

People are still teasing me, calling me The bouncing Ferret . . . Merlin, piss off Weasley.

**Entry #253**

_Looks like stupid Potter and Weasel Bee made up, and it appears Viktor has his sights set out on the Mudblood girl Granger. I see the way he looks at her, same as Potter looks at Chang. I’m guessing he’ll take her to the Yule Ball. I don’t know who I plan on taking. No one really seems to have caught my interest yet. I might just end up taking Pansy, she’s a good friend anyway._

**Entry # 260**

_Just went to the Yule Ball, I retired early for the night, looked like Potter ended up taking Parvati Patil as a last resort, Chang went with Diggory. Merlin Potter looked great in his dress robes tonight, never thought he had it in him, not the best dancer thought. Looked like a bloody idiot. His eyes looked very green, glistening in the lights, he didn’t look like the same Potter that annoys me and looking like a stupid peasant. Wait, there I go again! I don’t know why I wrote any of that, I just got carried away._ _That’s all. I swear._

Harry looked from the journal, glancing up at the window to see his slight reflection in the glare. Harry always knew he had noticeably green eyes because everyone told him he had his mother’s eyes, but didn’t realise so many other people noticed as well. Especially someone such as Malfoy, and how he talked about him, it seemed intimate not so much hatred. Harry’s face heated up with a flush which had been happening a lot lately. This journal was really messing with his emotions and he felt it starting more difficult to push the emotions back. Was it okay to keep reading? Of course it wasn’t, but Harry bit his lip and continued, but he sighed in agony as Malfoy rambled on about meaningless rubbish again. Harry read every entry, not wanting to miss anything that could be of importance to him. Unfortunately there was not nothing of interest until the mention of Cedric, and Harry gulped, feeling a growing pain in his stomach.

**Entry #269**

_It was the last task today . . . Potter came back and Diggory was dead, Merlin. Potter screamed that Voldemort was back, the way he clung to his body . . ._

**Entry #270**

_Sometimes being around Potter just infuriates me so much, I slipped out something horrible about Cedric and his parents. Harry, Granger and the Weasleys all hit me with curses today. Bloody hell, I can’t do anything right. Why can’t I just leave him alone?_

**Entry #272**

_I rarely feel the need to write much these days, and all summer I had nightmares involving stupid Potter again. Voldemort killed him over and over again. I wake up in sweats, and the ministry of magic doesn’t believe in Potter, but I know he’s telling the truth. My father is in favor to him._

**Entry #263**

_I made Slytherin Prefect this year, what an honor. Stupid Potter didn’t. Ha._

**Entry #274**

_Merlin Umbridge is terrifying, she’s surprisingly evil for a woman who wears so much pink, and I mean Merlin. It’s so much pink, and **Merlin**. Don’t get me started on the cats, the bloody cats. Anyway, I joined her Inquisitorial Squad, it’s nice to be seen as so important. I like hanging my power over Potter, to be noticed. Getting his attention._

**Entry #289**

_I noticed on Potter's hand while we were partnered up in potions class, there were fresh scars that read **“I must not tell lies”** How’d that happen, because of Umbridge? _

**Entry #295**

_Potter seems so angry this year, I’ve been watching him, and he’s been a wreck._

**Entry #300**

_Potter and his gang have been disappearing a lot this year, trying to figure out the whereabouts of where they’re hiding. Maybe I could aim for Chang, she seems fragile and might crack._

**Entry #301**

_Have not written in here for a bit, Potter and his gang got Umbridge taken out, and I as well. Their battle caused my father to be imprisoned to Azkaban, but the Ministry now believes Potter . . . I have very conflicting feelings right now, and don’t know what I should be doing. Also I heard my Aunt Bellatrix killed Sirius Black who was the last bit of Potter’s family . . . **gone.**_

Harry could not stop reading, as hard as it may have been, with the mention of those important to him, it brought back emotions that were supposed to be locked away. However the more he read, the more absorbed he became in the journal.

**Entry #305**

_It’s getting harder to write these days, so much is being put on the line, and now I am forced with a task in place of my father . . . if I fail, I am to be killed. I am now a Death Eater. On top of it all, I had this embarrassing dream last night with that git. Merlin help me, I am so confused right now. I don’t need this right now._

**Entry #306**

_I gave Potter a pretty good beating today. He’s already onto me, and I don’t know how it happened. Precious Potter, I probably went too far, crushing his nose like that. Merlin, I just can’t let him get in my way. It would cost me my life. The peasant._

**Entry #316**

_Oh how the tables have turned, Potter is constantly staring at me, following me, and when he thinks I’m not looking. I obviously see him, those green eyes of his always lingering. Can’t deny that it’s all bad._

Harry’s eyes widened, not realising that Malfoy indeed had that sharp of an eye, and felt slightly embarrassed that Malfoy knew this whole time. _Merlin Malfoy._

**Entry #322**

_I keep sneaking into the room of requirement so that I can repair this vanishing cabinet. It’s going to be harder than expected. On a side note I am learning from my aunt to accomplish Occlumency._

**Entry#333**

_How the bloody hell did Potter perfect that potion???_

**Entry#345**

_I am trying to keep all my focus on fixing this vanishing cabinet, so I have been missing classes and quit Quidditch, it seems to have lost my interest anyhow._

**Entry#350**

_I keep fearing that I am going to fail at my task, everything I keep trying just fails. I don’t think I have what it takes to do this. If I fail, I will die . . . what do I do? I still find Potter following me._

**Entry #351**

_Oh Merlin, the dreams won’t stop. What’s wrong with me? I can’t, no, never._

_P.S What’s so great about that Weasley Girl?_

**Entry #363**

_I can’t do this, I have no one to rely on. I find myself out of fear going to Myrtle, and telling her of my concerns. I mostly go there, and cry out of anxiety. Merlin, I’m going to die._

**Entry #369**

_I was talking to Myrtle again today, I guess Potter followed me because he walked in on me. I tried hitting him with a Cruciatus Curse, but he hit me with something else first, almost killing me. I have no idea what it was, but it was horrible pain. I thought I was going to die. Bloody Hell, it was a side of him that I thought I would never see. I could see it in his eyes that he regretted it dearly, in that moment they’ve never looked so green._

**Entry #375**

_Potter seemed weird today, I think he was drunk._

**Entry #376**

**_I regret everything . . . I’m so sorry._ **

Harry felt his body sink, the weight bringing him down, he had to fight so hard to not let himself break. His chest clenched, his stomach in pain, and he did some breathing exercises so that he could calm himself down. He had no idea what Malfoy had to go through that year, that his life hung in the balance like that. It sure explained why he looked so sick and frail, always looking so distraught. Harry breathed, concentrating so that he could finish reading the rest of the journal, he didn’t have that much left. It was getting dark outside now, Harry cast a Lumos so that he could read without straining his eyes.

**Entry #377**

_I haven’t written anything in here since my time before the war at Hogwarts. It’s been too traumatic, especially since our home was used as a base for **him**. There’s so much that I regret, so much horror that happened. I wish for my time at Hogwarts I hadn’t been so caught up with my family's beliefs. I still deeply regret what happened to Vincent, it was all my fault, if I hadn’t been so . . . once again caught up trying to get respect for my family's name, trying to capture Potter . . . Vincent may still be alive, Merlin maybe. Voldemort made me do some pretty horrible, terrible things that nearly broke me. The only thing that held me together was . . . was Potter . . . I can’t explain it, like we had this connection? he could feel what I was feeling, my pain, my emotions. As for those bloody dreams? They never stopped, not for one single night, which made concentrating all the more difficult, focusing, trying to not mess up in front of the dark one so I could survive. Seeing Potter that night, at my manor, it was so hard. By putting my life on the line, I tried not to reveal him, he was the only hope for us all. I’m glad they were able to successfully rescue Lovegood, I wasn’t able to help her myself without my family getting punished or killed. It was all thanks to Dobby that they were all able to get out of there, and Dobby was killed by my ruthless aunt. Who was actually killed by the Weasley mother . . . they lost one of the twin boys . . . Fred I believe. Apparently by disarming Dumbledore of his wand I became the rightful owner which is what led Potter to win that war, to defeat him, because the elder wand never was rightfully Voldemort's, it was me until Potter disarmed me of my wand. Which I never got back by the way. Thinking Harry was dead utterly broke me, and I don’t know what happened but he survived somehow and was able to win. My mother told me that she saved his life because he told her I was still alive, thank Merlin, and the only reason Greg and I are still alive is because he saved us. He could have easily let us die in the fiendfyre, but he didn’t. I’m so happy you survived Harry, I may have broke, but I’m able to move forward now. _

Harry's’ eyes widened in surprise, he had no idea what his death meant to Malfoy, how it impacted him, and was not quite sure why that was, even if the answer was obviously right in front of him. Harry knew that he was not always the most perceptive person, reading people's feelings and observing minor things was not always his strong suit. So why now had Draco called him Harry instead of Potter, and not scratch it out? As he has done that before. Was first name basis a more intimate quality that Malfoy took note in? He’d always called him Malfoy instead of Draco, because he called him Potter all the time. Now that he wrote down Harry in his journal, seemed to have much more meaning than just a name. Harry wondered, and he was really curious to what the dreams were that he was having? He mentioned them multiple times, but never specified like he did in the past. Harry glanced at the crisp pages, he only had a few more entries to read.

**Entry #378**

_Now that the war is over, my family has gone through trials on our fate. My father did end up going back to Azkaban, it was up in the air for a while, but ultimately it was decided. As for me and my mother, her good deed of helping Potter only granted her house arrest. Me . . . I’m on thin ice, my helping Potter was helpful to my hearing, and my age. Potter did not show up on my behalf at the trial, but he did send an owl with a letter claiming that I should be given a second chance. Now I have that, now I can reform myself. War changes people, and I want to better myself. I’ve said and done some pretty terrible things in my past. I need to focus on redeeming myself._

**Entry # 379**

_I got an owl today, inviting my return to Hogwarts for my 8th year since the war interfered with proper education for students. I can focus on my N.E.W.T.s, but I’m not sure what I want to do with my life now. I was not sure if I could go back to Hogwarts, but Pansy and Blaise claimed that it would be good for me, especially with my self building. So I convinced my mother to move from Malfoy manor . . . once the ministry allowed it, considering she’s on house arrest. Anyway our old manor held too many horrible dark memories, and we needed a fresh start. We spend our time together gardening most days, I have found a new love for plants, along with the muggle life. I refrain from using magic if I don’t have to, it has destroyed so many lives, and I want to see the world in a new light. I go into the city a lot, and see the muggle world. It really is so intriguing actually, and relaxing. I have found a new love for muggle music, art, and fashion. I have acquired new clothes that I am in love with, and even some of those peasant flannel shirts that I see Potter wearing so much. Even taken a liking to smoking, it’s wondrous how it calms you so quickly. So I smoke a coffin nail every once in awhile. Time for the truth to come out, I have finally admitted to why I was so confused for so long, why I never took an interest in woman. **I’m gay** , and I enjoy going to muggle clubs on the weekends. Mostly gay clubs, I usually sit and drink, enjoying the atmosphere. Haven’t actually tried talking to anyone yet, working on that courage part of my personality, and my pride. It all makes sense now, I think I’ve known for a while, but just never wanted to admit it. _

_P.S Happy Birthday Potter, I sent you a letter. Hopefully you won’t know it was from me._

A crisp smile crossed his lips, _I thought maybe that was him!_ Harry exclaimed in his head, but he was more stumped on the other part of that entry. Draco Sodding Malfoy was fucking _gay_ , however once he thought it about it, it didn’t seem all that shocking at all. Malfoy never did interact with woman really, except for Pansy and she’s obviously just his friend.

**Entry #380**

_Merlin, the dreams are more intense now . . . now that I have accepted myself._

**Entry #381**

_An owl came today, I think it was one of the Weasel Bee owls, and it was a box that had my wand in it! With a letter from Harry, thanking me for trying not to reveal him at our manor back then._

Harry furrowed a brow, seeing that Malfoy called him by his first name again.

**Entry #383**

_It was my first day back at Hogwarts, not all of us 8 years returned, but there's’ still a good number of us who came back. I wanted to room with Blaise, because Greg did not come back, and I can understand why. Of course Blaise, Pansy and me keep getting dirty looks from everyone. Merlin that’s to be expected under the circumstances. I did see Potter in the great hall today, we locked eyes, but every time I had an opportunity to talk to him, I fled._

**Entry #384**

_Potter seems different this year, I can’t explain it. Doesn’t look good though, war does change people._

**Entry #385**

_I saw Potter again today, more like he ran into me. The idiot. I can’t stop thinking about it though, it was brief contact, but Merlin I can’t get him out of my head. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that close to him without any hostile tension. I could feel his sweet breath from pumpkin juice, his dark lips looked so soft, I hope he didn’t notice my staring. I know what’s wrong with me now, but I need to stop this, it’ll only cause me pain as it’s one sided and he probably still dislikes me. So pull it together Draco. You’re a Malfoy after all, stay strong. He’s never even once called you by your first name, but I have never called him Harry before. We’ve never once been on first name basis. He’s probably dating Weasel Bee’s sister anyhow._

That was it, there were no more entries, and Harry had just read the _whole_ entire journal. It had taken Harry a couple days to read it, but it wasn’t easy. Bringing up emotions and feelings that he wanted to keep pushed down deep inside him, even so Harry could not stop reading, whatever it was doing to him. Being inside Malfoy’s head was so intriguing and alluring, especially near the end. At that moment Harry felt his stomach turn, and he closed the crisp journal. The flush came back to his face, heating up like it hadn’t before, the pit in his stomach grew deeper, and he felt faint again, light headed. Harry had not eaten anything all day or slept much at all. Staring down at the green journal, seeings Malfoy's name written masterfully on the cover, so crisp and perfect. _Malfoy_ , _Draco Malfoy_ , _Draco Malfoy_ , **_Draco_** , Harry repeated the name in his head, seeing as it flowed so nicely. He had never really called Draco by his first name except for the other day, and he now wanted to. There was suddenly a click of the door, and his red headed friend Ron popped in bringing up some food for Harry, and close behind him followed Hermione with her frizzy curls.

“What the bloody hell Harry? You’re completely flushed!” Ron’s jaw dropped, and Hermione looked concerned, looking down at the journal. After that her expression immediately changed.

“Harry! You didn’t give it back??” Her eyes narrowed, looking very unimpressed and Ron mimicked her expression.

“I couldn’t help myself, I only meant to take a quick glance, but it sucked me in. I couldn't stop reading till I finished it.” Harry’s voice trailed off, and he flinched back when Hermione tried to grab the book from him. He clung onto it for dear life, he didn’t know why.

“Mate, you read the _whole_ journal?” Ron’s voice squeaked, and he ran his hands through his red locks. “Merlin Harry.”

“I know it was wrong, I know I shouldn’t have read it.” Harry wrapped his arms around his legs, dropping his head down on them. Feeling exhausted.

“Well what did it say? Should we be worried?” Hermione asked, trying to put her hair back in a red velvet scrunchie that used to be her mother’s. Harry was quiet, very quiet. He didn’t know what to say, Draco spoke of such intimate thoughts that were only meant for his eyes only. His, and Harry had now invaded that, there was no going back from that.

“That bad Harry?? Are there still Death Eaters out there that want to follow Voldemort's footsteps? Malfoy?” Ron’s eyes glistened by the light of Harry’s wand. He never extinguished it when he finished reading.

“No, no! Not anything like that. He regrets everything, and I mean _everything._ ” Harry’s voice rose in defense, as if now he felt like he had to protect Draco, he had basically been in his head.

“Then what Harry? What’s got you so . . . whatever this is? Your face is so red.” Hermione chimed in, obviously worried for her friend.

“I,” Harry began, then he took a deep breath. “I think, maybe, Dracos’ in love with me.” His voice became quiet and hushed, possibly regretting this.

“What?!” The two exclaimed in horror, Ron almost dropped the food and Hermione, well Harry couldn’t quite figure her out at the moment.

“This journal of his, it starts from when he’s 11, and he mentions me a _lot_.” He paused, to sit up in the bed easier because he was slowly sliding down, and he extinguished his wand. Harry for some reason still clung onto the journal, and by the blank looks on his friends faces, he knew he needed to describe this better to them. Draco could have just mention him a lot because he hated him, and maybe that’s how it started. “I don’t just mean hate either, it starts off that way, I mean. Listen. I know I can be pretty oblivious sometimes, when it comes to this type of thing, reading feelings and such. These entries, I’m not imagining it. Mal-Draco, he talks about my eyes, how I looked at the Yule Ball, noticing when I was angry and in pain 5th year. He is, was an arse, but I don’t think that I’m imagining this. I can’t be.” Harry’s voice was raspy, feeling himself short of breath. He knew words just came out of his mouth, but didn’t know if his friends understood any of it, if it even made any sense.

“So. I can’t say that I’m entirely surprised.” Hermione spoke first after a long moment. Ron whirled on her, turning on his heels.

“Well I am! I always thought that he liked Pansy.” He tried to keep himself from shouting, knowing that it wouldn’t help.

“I mean. If Malfoy likes Harry, that does surprise me, however his sexuality does not. I saw the way he looked at Viktor that year, and you Harry. Rarely seen him hanging out with any girls, it just doesn’t surprise me. He just gives off that gay vibe.” She sat down next to Harry on the bed, and Ron kept quiet because they all knew that she was right, as always. Harry especially since he just read the journal, he knew Draco was in fact gay. Hermione put out her hand, hoping that Harry will hand over the journal. “I won’t read much, I just want to look at one entry. Just one. That’s all.” She pleaded with gentle eyes, and Harry handed it over to her hesitantly.

“Just read _Entry #385_ , that should be enough.” Harry told her, and she nodded opening the journal to the very last entry. Sitting in silence, Ron finally handed to food over to Harry, desperately trying to figure out his friend. It was a lot to take in for all of them, especially knowing Draco Malfoy all these years and how he treated them since day one. After a couple moments of silence Hermione flushed a deep dark red color and spoke.

“Merlin.” She quickly closed the journal and handed it back to her friend. “That was,” She tried to form a sentence, desperately.

“Intense?” Harry inquired, and she just nodded back at him.

“I take it Harry isn’t imagining things?” Ron asked.

“No, but Harry what do you plan on doing?” Hermione asked with a calm tone, because she could tell Harry seemed unstable. With pushing all the emotions back so that he could stay numb, then this happens. Hermione wondered if he would have a break down.

“I don’t know, but I plan on giving the journal back to him.” His tone was short, and Ron sensed it, he backed away. Hermione however didn’t and she pressed at Harry.

“But, Harry you must feel something, because of that look on your face, I’ve never seen you look like that before, even with Ginny. You were completely flushed, and taken aback.” Hermione would have continued if Harry hadn’t interrupted, and Ron quickly grabbed her hand and giving her soft Squeeze to comfort her from Harry’s explosion.

“I said I don’t know!” Harry knew the snap was coming, but didn’t expect it now. “I don’t bloody know how I feel. Ever since the war, I’ve felt _nothing_ , nothing but emptiness, like I lost a piece of myself. I feel numb and that’s how I like it! This journal, this fucking journal is the first thing in months to make me feel anything, and I don’t want to. I have absolutely no idea what it means, and I’m not ready to process it. Knowing that bloody Draco fucking Malfoy has fallen in love for someone like me, who’s numb to everything, who wants to feel like that. He’s been raised like that for years, being forced onto a task and if he fails would be killed. Expected to fail so he could be killed. He only had Snape, he didn’t have the support and friends like I had. They all came from families that were in similar positions, and he had no one to turn to. . . I can’t. I feel too dead inside to decide how I feel, and I like it that way. So no, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Harry felt his chest tightening up, he couldn’t breathe, he felt light headed like he would pass out at any given moment. Ron and Hermione sat on the bed with Harry, holding him so that he could focus on his breathing. Telling him to relax, and he didn’t cry, he didn’t want to, because when the numbing would go away, he would break, feeling everything at once.


	3. Soarinng

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Harry wants to be left alone, he stumbles upon a fair blonde, while Ron makes nice with a certain blonde as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry this chapter took a little while, it was hard to type this week since it was Christmas and New Years! But here is the next chapter. I have most of the next chapter written out on my phone, so hopefully it won't take very long to transfer. Also yes, I made Draco a little posh grunge kid, lol I could also see him having a little bit of goth kid in him too lol. Hope everyone likes the new chapter!
> 
> Coffin Nail = Cigarette

Chapter Three

_Soaring_

After a long while in silence, Ron and Hermione decided they needed to let Harry be, because more than anything they knew Harry wanted to be left alone and they understood completely. So they left him alone in the silence of the room where he slowly ate his sandwiches that his freckled friend left on the bedside table. He really appreciated that Ron brought them for him to eat, it was so satisfying to eat for the first time that day. He loved sandwiches, he often had to eat them back in his Dursley days. Honestly he probably should hate them since they never really gave him much real food, but nonetheless he still enjoyed simple sandwiches. After an hour passed by Harry finally got up from the bed, feeling so frustrated that the emotions were just lingering the surface and he needed to find a way to push everything back, to clear his head. So Harry got dressed for the first time that day, in some of his regular casual clothes which were ripped up jeans with double layered up red flannel. He pulled out his firebolt, and snuck out of his window, and flew out on his broom. Flying was still one of the few activities that he still enjoyed after the war. It brought him serenity, peace and was an excellent way of clearing his head. So he closed his eyes, and gilded around in the cool crisp air that cut into his cheeks like knives. First he flew high up in the sky, enjoying the the scenery before lowering himself down to glide by the waters, then zooming by the Quidditch field, then close by where he faced the dragon his fourth year, and through the forest. Being back hadn’t quite hit until tonight, it had been too hard for Harry to face and he still hadn’t shed a single tear. He wouldn’t, and for so long Harry wanted to feel something, but as time went on, he liked feeling numb. He grew to love the numbing feeling, and he was not ready to let it go, he lost so much since he was a baby. It never ended. Harry sighed, breathing in the fresh cool air, closing in on the school. Slowing down his pace, when noticing a figure leaning against the wall of the castle. They were wearing a long black coat, white boots, hair that as pale as salt, and skin so fair Snow White would be getting a run for her money. _Draco_. Harry stopped his broom abruptly, and steadily gliding down, making his way toward the fair blonde. He now noticed that Draco was holding a coffin nail, and was fighting the wind, trying to light it up. He was obviously having some difficulty, and why? Why wasn’t he using magic to light it up?

\--

Draco leaned against the castle wall, attempting to light his Dunhill menthol while trying to fight of the crisp wind. He could easily have done this a different way, with magic. However Draco was fighting off the urge to use magic, even though he was back at Hogwarts, that didn’t mean he wanted to rely on magic for the rest of his life. It always seemed to come with consequences, and ruined many lives that he knew, such as Vincent who couldn’t even control his own use of it. So along with his change, he wanted to get used to the muggle way of doing things if he could. Maybe later down the road he would change his mind, but for now he wanted to do things this way. “Draco?” A voice called out to him, it was familiar and gentle while at the same time vacant and cold. The fair skinned boy knew immediately who it belonged to, snapping his gaze in different directions, trying to find the whereabouts of the sound, hoping he hadn’t imagined it. He relaxed his stance, his shoulders still staying straight but slightly tilted as Potter glided down from the sky. Of course he was here, it had to be him of all people, but deep down he felt his heart squeeze.

“What do you want Potter?” His tone was sharp and hostile, with a twinge of warmth for he wasn’t sure how to act toward Potter. Especially with the war now being over, and what his true feelings meant. At that moment Potter finally touched the ground, the rocks and grass crunched under his red converse and then set his firebolt broom aside on the castle wall. Draco studied as Potter ran a hand through his dark curls, watching his glasses fog up within moments, blocking the fair blonde from seeing his bright green eyes. He was a bloody mess, but a beautiful one at that, Potter had soft cheekbones instead of sharp angles like himself. Draco had to stop himself from brushing his fingers across Potters dark rosey cheeks. He averted his gaze back to the dunhill, which was still unlit.

“Having trouble there, why not just use a fire making charm?” Potter’s voice chimed in calmly, obviously sensing Draco’s body language.

Draco glared at him, then tried to light his Dunhill but the wind only caused him to fail yet again. If he had not felt so flustered by the sudden appearance of Potter, maybe he could be thinking straight so that he could light it up. Suddenly Potter stepped forward, grabbing the silver lighter that had the initials DLM on them with metallic green lettering. Inching even closer to the fair haired boy, Draco tried really hard to keep his face from flushing. Potter held his hand around the lighter, breaking the wind so the Dunhill would light up in smoke, and it did. Draco rolled his eyes, feeling irritated that he didn’t think of something as simple at that. Smoke rose in the wind, and Draco could feel the heat in his throat, the nicotine touching his tongue as the smoke eased from his lips with an exhale. Suddenly Draco’s anxiety of losing his journal dissipated, he watched Potter from the corner of his eye. _Why hasn’t the git Potter left yet?_ Nothing was said for several long moments, Draco took drags of his Dunhill as Potter leaned against the wall with him. He could see the golden boy staring down at him, stealing glances when thinking he wouldn’t notice. Any other year he would have found this rather odd, even if Potter did seem to obsess over him 6th year. However it seemed extremely odd that Potter’s gaze seemed more intimate than it has in the past. It was different. Draco flicked his ashes down at the rocks, he watched as the light dribbled down by Potter’s feet. Not soon after he finished up the coffin nail, the blonde tossed it to the ground where he stomped it out with his Doc Martens. Potter studied him as he did so, clearly thrown off by his grunge shoes. Draco didn’t break his concentration from him, reading the way Potter carried himself, that something was wrong. Something cold, and empty. He got this feeling that the dark haired boy next him wanted to ask something, and so did he; about his journal. However Draco liked their moment of silence, and appreciated that Potter kept it that way, even if it was strange because they never shared a moment like this before. Also it would hurt his pride to even ask Potter if he had _his_ journal. Draco knew he needed to focus on bettering himself, and his pride was a big part of that considering it was one of his biggest flaws. Working on it was much harder than actually doing it he admitted. He pulled out his box of Dunhills, and pulled out yet another coffin nail because it was a chain smoking kind of night. Potter watched as Draco this time used his hand to block to wind so he could light up the zippo. He smiled. As the silence lasted longer, it grew even stronger, and Draco stole a glance back at Potter, watching the emptiness behind his glasses. So he was the first one to speak, which threw Potter off of his guard.

“War changes people.” His voice came out soft and alone, not what Draco had expected himself to sound like, but it was true. Potter’s eyebrows rose up in surprise, and the the blonde could see the green in them even if it was dark outside, still beautiful as ever. Potter gracefully reached over zipping the Dunhill out of Draco’s thin lips, inhaling the harsh smoke before handing it back over. Desperately trying to hide the flush on his face, he grabbed the coffin nail back and inhaled long and hard. Loving the intimate moment they just shared, that Dunhill had touched both of their lips. It was like an indirect kiss, at that thought Draco tried to hide his stupid smile.

“Yeah. I feel numb.” The tone of Potter’s voice felt empty to Draco, with no emotion behind it. As if he was a drone of some kind that he read about in the muggle literature, and it made his heart sink low, almost painful. Draco glanced over at him, feeling the blank expression on his empty face, icy green eyes. He could now see that they were missing that Potter warmth that he carried with him over the course of all his years. This was not the Potter he knew, and it hurt to see him like this. So Draco handed the Dunhill back over to Potter who took it, their fingers slightly touching, sending electrical shivers down his spine. Draco knew Potter felt it too, seeing the look on his face.

“Listen, you’ll find it. Whatever it is you need to fill that void making you numb, you’ll find it.” Draco gave Potter a sly smile, it wasn’t much however it was something to flicker the tiniest bit in his stone green eyes before turning around to walk off. Draco’s chest constricted, but he couldn’t stay any longer, might say too much from seeing Potter in his fragile state. He glanced over his shoulder to see Potter staring back at him, having a faint smile on those dark lips of his.

\--

Draco laid out on the couch of the common room, now that it was completely empty and everyone had gone up to bed. This was his time to relax here, without the glares and the harsh remarks. Not that he really minded because he was always one to have harsh comeback, but he was trying to stop that. It was quiet, listening to the crisping sound of the logs burning in the fireplace. He had just come back in from his encounter with Potter and the pit in his stomach never left regarding Potter’s odd behavior, he doesn’t seem the same. Draco thought to himself as he pulled out his new walkman cd player that he previously bought that summer, it was silver and he placed a cd inside it, hearing it click in place. Sliding in the uncomfortable plastic ear buds in just one of his ears that way he could still hear the sounds of the crisping fire. Since his journal was still missing, Draco pulled out one of his workbooks and began scribbling down messy thoughts with his muggle pen, loving the weight and balance it gave him as he wrote, watching the black ink flow perfectly on the parchments, completely different from a quill.

“Malfoy?” A deep voice cut in, and Draco whipped his head around to see Ron Weasley standing at the end of the stairs, and he rolled his eyes in annoyance, _ugh._

“What do you want Weasley?” His tone was sharp with irritation, and Weasley crossed the corner of the couch, gazing about the room. Draco gave him a quizzical look, pressing pause on his cd player.

“Sorry mate, I was just looking for Harry.” The freckled boy replied, now looking at Draco, examining his white boots, and wrinkling his nose when smelling the Dunhill smoke in the air.

“Oh, well he might still be outside, I just saw him not even even 20 minutes ago.” Draco’s response was short, trying to keep himself from having too much attitude as he was attempting to better himself. However, seeing the shocked expression written across Weasley’s face brought out his snarky personality. “You didn’t know.” He paused, a smirk appearing on his thin pink lips, “Because he snuck out, didn’t he?” Draco’s eyes were filled with mischief and sarcasm, Weasley huffed which he assumed was supposed to be a way for the red head to sigh before he plopped down on the edge of the couch, and Draco scooted over.

“Wouldn’t be the first time Harry snuck out on us mate.” _Potter would be one to sneak out, huh?_ Weasley slightly smiled at Draco which threw him for a confusing loop, why was the weasel being so comfortable to him? When Draco was always horrible to him in the past, especially making remarks about his family’s money, but was he trying to put the past behind him as well as him? Draco didn’t know how to reply, so he simply just nodded at the boy and closed his workbook. Wanting his thoughts to stay private, when he glanced back up at the red headed freckled boy, he saw that weasel bee was staring down at his cd player. “Godrich, what is that contraption?” He inquired.

“It’s a walkman, it’s something muggles use to listen to music which are on these.” Draco replied as he pulled out a couple of CD cases from his bag that was on the couch. Weasley looked at them, repeating the names of the bands, and musicians.

“Nirvana, Joy Division, The Cure, and Mozart?” Weasley spoke with raised eyebrows, feeling very curious and shocked. “Why the interest in the muggle world?” The red freckled boy asked while grabbing the black pen from Draco’s workbook, and examining it.

Draco shrugged and snatched the pen back from Weasel-bee with furrowed eyebrows. “I’ve always been blinded by my family’s beliefs. So after the war, I wanted to venture out in the world, I’ve discovered new things and muggle music is one of them. Their lives are so much different from ours, and I find that very intriguing and relaxing.” Draco paused as he slipped a strand of hair behind his ear. “Also, I’ve always liked muggle pens for your information and you don’t need magic for everything. I realise that now.” He stopped speaking suddenly, looking at the red head next to him. Draco didn’t know why he had just said all that to Weasley, but didn’t care all that much. He found him as an easy going presence, now realising why the brilliant Granger girl liked him so, he wasn’t so bad after all. Weasley didn’t have much to say, he nodded at Draco.

“Yeah, I learn new things every day from Mione and her parents.” He smiled, standing up from the couch. “Hermione I mean.” Weasley added, seeing the confused expression on Draco’s face.

“Potter was flying his firebolt by the way, that’s why he was outside.” Draco suddenly stated, feeling like he had a reason to explain, letting Potter’s best friend know what was going on.

“Probably clearing his head.” Weasley paused, and turned around on his heels to head for the stairwell. “Bloody hell it’s late, I see ya around Malfoy.” His words faded as he disappeared up the stairs, his slippers tapping the stone along his way. Draco sighed before pulling the workbook back out, and jotted down his messy thoughts. He never imagined in a million years that he would have a casual conversation with Ron Weasley, it was definitely going to be an interesting year. His attention quickly snapped up as he heard the common room door quietly creak open. He squinted his eyes, not seeing anything at first as the door shut, but then relaxed as Potter took off his cloak which revealed himself. Draco watched Potter closely, amused that the dark haired boy obviously didn’t see him yet.

“Sneaking in are we Potter?” His voice came out much snarky, and chuckled as Potter jumped now seeing him sitting on the couch with his feet propped up on the arm rest.

“D-Draco?” Potter’s face turned red in his surprise not expecting that, and it was a nice pink rose shade that accented his dark complexion nicely. He felt his chest constricting over the sound that Potter kept calling him by his first name instead of Malfoy, he liked it. Draco expected Potter to ask why he was down there, but he didn’t. Instead he sat down on the couch right next to Draco, they were only a few inches apart, his heart skipped a beat. Potter’s dark curls bounced as he leaned his head back in a deep sigh. However it was not a sigh of annoyance but relief, but that’s how Draco read it anyway. “I needed that, haven’t flown in months and I forgot how much I missed it.” He stated and Draco could tell he was not exactly saying it to him, but more to himself but Draco felt the need to reply anyway.

“You are pretty good at it git.” He let a light smile across his lips, Potter turned his head at him, and the fire reflected in his green eyes, but the glasses caused a glare.

“Well thank you.” He winked at him, and Draco was thrown back, he allowed himself to inch a little closer to him, enjoying the moment. Potter had allowed him to, which made him happy. “You sent me a letter on my Birthday, didn’t you?” Potter stated bluntly, and it took Draco aback, with a light pink shade spreading across his cheeks that went up all the way to his ears, turning them pink or red even.

“Bloody hell, why do you say that?” Draco tried defending himself with a question.

“ _‘Git’_ you’re the only person that ever calls me that.” Potter stated rather smugly, showing his pearly white teeth.

“Oh.”

“Thanks. I appreciated it.” He smiled at him before getting up from the couch, where his fingers slightly touched Draco’s slender fingers. It was only for a second but the fair blonde could feel the sparks, and by the look on Potter’s face and he guessed he did too. “Goodnight Draco.” He quickly waved as he turned around, and before Draco knew it, the words slipped from his lips.

“Goodnight. _Harry._ ” He looked down at the workbook, too embarrassed to glance up at him. Potter never turned around, but Draco saw how he stopped dead in his tracks before going back up the stairs. The name Harry seemed to slip from his lips so easy and smooth, and he liked how easy it felt natural for him. Draco smiled to himself as he went back writing, feeling tiniest bit giddy and hopeful from it. “I forgot to ask about my fucking journal again.” Draco stared in the direction of which Potter disappeared, feeling the weight of reality take him back in. Realising that Potter’s attitude, which seemed different from earlier. Draco couldn’t help but feel that it seemed forced, _I feel numb._ The words flowed through the fair blonde’s mind as he thought Potter was indeed forcing a front, but why be nice to him at all? Which was the other million dollar question Draco wanted to know the answers to.


	4. Tasting Apple Whiskey and Dunhills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally returns the journal and finds something of interest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Here is Chapter 4 everyone! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and it ended up going in a completely different direction than I originally planned, which I am pleased with. I hope you guys enjoy it. :)
> 
> Of course, as usual if you find any spelling errors I missed please let me know if I've overlooked them!

**Chapter Four**

_Tasting Apple Whiskey and_ _Dunhill's_

 

Draco just called him by his first name, his _first_ name and he was surprised by how natural it seemed to leave his lips. It was nice, and Harry was happy by that. Surprised, but it brought some happiness to the numbing he felt, but Harry wasn’t sure if he liked that, not yet because if he had happiness all the other emotions would come rushing back. He wasn’t ready for that and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be fully ready. He glanced over at his freckled friend to make sure that he did not wake him, he whisked his wand to cast a weak lumos and pulled his blanket over his head. Harry was urging himself to keep Draco’s journal out of his thoughts. It was addictive, it had some kind of hold over him that wanted him to pull it back out. He wanted to reread entries that were his favorite. Especially that last entry. **_Entry #385_**. Now because of it, it helped him see Draco in a **_completely_** different light. Especially since he knew how Draco felt about him, and being around him, seeing his reactions was enough proof to know it was true. His feelings were starting to change, what feelings he could feel at the moment that were re surfacing. The journal was indeed dangerous to him though, within it sparked feelings and memories of his loved ones, and it was getting harder for Harry to stay numb. Trying so hard to push the emotions back, and at times he would struggle. With a sigh Harry put the journal back up. He really needed to give it back to Draco, it wasn’t right to keep it so he had to give it back tomorrow, no matter how nervous he really was. Would Draco suspect that he read it? What would he do if he found out? What _would_ he do if he found out? He knew what the old Draco Malfoy would do, but this new changed Draco? He had no idea.

Harry ran his hands through those dark curls of his, and pulled out his potions book to study, he missed some classes this week. He had to make up for it, so he spent the last hour taking notes and reading over the notes Mione left on his bed because he had a lot of studying to do. Harry flipped through pages starting to lose interest in studying. Also with him trying to multitask by keeping his emotions in check it was just hard to study. Suddenly Harry came across something of interest, a page was thick and wrinkled, but had a split at the bottom. He squinted his eyes to see that was actually not one page, it was two pages stuck together. He pulled the fragile pages apart, hoping they wouldn’t rip, finding something peculiar, very peculiar. _Merlin_. There was a piece of paper hidden in the inside of it, it looked old, very old. The paper was brittle and a dark yellow color to it, Harry made sure to be careful with it as it looked like it would rip in half with in moments. He glossed over the parchment discovering that it was an old homemade potion, one that was probably from an old student. This potion was exactly what he needed, no words could describe how perfect it was. “Brilliant,” Harry spoke quietly, his voice was in a whisper, and he was trying to not wake his roommate Ron. A numbing potion, an emotional one. Harry thought it was too good to be true, perfect really. The answer to all his problems; but would it be safe, was this going to be a good idea? This was a potion that someone made, not actually from his book. Would it have side effects? After some thought, he shut the textbook and assumed he could worry about it tomorrow. Sighing out loud he slipped off his glasses and laid them on the nightstand. He was so exhausted and still worn out from reading Draco’s journal for the past couple days. He stared up at his ceiling, waiting for exhaustion to take him in, before falling asleep he saw cool gray eyes, harsh angles and thin lips. He touched his own lips remembering that he and Draco shared the same smoke. Watching Draco Malfoy fidgeting around him, flustered . . . watching him out of the corner of his eye. Harry felt himself blush, thinking of the fair blonde before crashing.

**\--**

The light shining through the greenhouse glass gave a light green tint to Draco’s fair blonde, feeling the heat of the sun blaring through the glass. He brushed a loose strand of hair out of his eyes so he could see the flowers much better. He now spent quite a bit of his time in the greenhouse, slipping away here in between herbology classes. After the war, Draco began gardening to distract himself from everything and the loss of his friend, but he found that he actually adored it. Mostly he liked gardening with flowers and popular muggle flowers as well. The more he focused on them, the more he loved them. More days game around where he spent his time in the greenhouse to study them, admire them, and now he would bring a sketchbook and would draw the plants, and flowers he loved most. Actually Draco was quite good at drawing them too, which made him proud of himself. Most days he was accompanied by Neville Longbottom, who he never got around knowing before the war, but admired the boy’s bravery during that time. Now they would come here and study the plants together and Draco had asked Longbottom to teach him more, recommend books, and tips of any kind. Draco knew he could ask these questions to Professor Sprout, but now he liked being around Longbottom, and felt more comfortable when in his presence. Sprout was a little strange anyway. Also Draco appreciated how passionate Neville was about all of it.

“Ah, Draco you’re here again today.” Neville smiled at him, holding some plants that Draco did not recognise one bit. The two of them were now on friendly terms, and he allowed Longbottom to call him by his first name, as he rarely let anyone call him Draco. He set his fancy sketchbook aside, he was in the process of sketching out a Narcissus for his mother. Thinking she would like it as a christmas gift.

“Long-Neville. Sorry, I’m still getting used to first name bases with you.” He tried smiling apologetically at the tall boy, but he feared that he appeared looking like a slight scowl. He was rather used to scowling during his early years.

“That’s alright, drawing again? You’re quite good at it Draco, wouldn’t have pegged you as an artist. Potions always seemed to be your forte.” He chuckled, looking down at the drawing, it was a nice crisp shaded drawing of a perfect Narcissus. Draco sighed at the mention of potions, yes he was excellent at it, but also he wanted to stray away relying on magic, even though he was a great wizard and being rather stubborn about what he would be doing with his life in the future. Hogwarts gave him the option to come back, and as much as Draco likes to think it was his choice to come back. It was strongly implied by the Ministry that he would come back and get excellent scores on his N.E.W.T.S

“Thanks. Thinking my mother would like it as a Christmas gift.” Neville nodded at him with a smile while he went back to whatever it was he was doing. Draco appreciated that Neville gave him space as he was not a very social person to begin with. Maybe he needed to work on that? He shrugged it off. _Eh_.

“Oi, looks like we’ve a visitor.” Neville nodded his head up at Potter who was walking inside the greenhouse, and for some reason Draco frantically shut his sketchbook. Potter handed a slip of paper to Longbottom, who seemed a little distraught but wandered off anyway. Draco curiously raised an eyebrow before Potter turned in his direction, and gave him a slight smile. Draco blushed, and hoped Potter wouldn’t see it. The dark haired boy was not wearing his robes again, and had on layered flannel with another piece of dark green flannel tied around his waist. The fair blonde had to wonder why people tied clothes around their waist, Seemed like a muggle trait. Draco tried to keep himself from staring at Potter’s chest and collar, which the t shirt showed just slightly.

“You draw?” Potter looked at the sketchbook with a quizzical expression, and Draco only nodded in response. “May I see?” Reluctantly he shyly handed the book over to Potter and who opened it up carefully, examining his art. “Brilliant. They’re beautiful Draco.” He handed the sketchbook back to him with a big heartwarming smile that bout made the fair blonde fall right out of his stool, but then he caught himself. _Whew_.

“Thanks.” His heart clenched and he debated on leaving, Potter’s presence was making him rather anxious. Draco took a moment to nonchalantly stare at Potter, noticing a unique quirk; He would quickly blink his eyes, and they were always in a row. Maybe it was a nervous habit? Before he could decide to leave, Neville came back handing Potter some herbs. Draco examined the look on Longbottom’s face as he handed them to Potter. _Disappointment_. Which seemed odd, what was he needing them for, were they dangerous? Green eyes were lingering down at him, so Draco looked up to see Potter who looked anxious again. “What?” He stammered coldly.

“I have something of yours, by the way” He spoke softly and Draco could hear the shakiness in his voice. Watching Potter put the herbs in his bag, that was when he pulled out a green book, _his_ book, _his journal_. Merlin fucking shit, Potter had it this _whole_ time.

“My journal!” Draco quickly snatched it back from Potter, holding it close to him, narrowing his gray eyes at him. “I’ve been looking for this all _week_ , didn’t realise this is what I threw at you.” Draco stared at Potter, seeing his guilt written face. “Why did it take so long to give it back? I’ve seen you a few times since then.” Draco stated furrowing his brows while looking at Potter, trying to keep his cool. Potter was quiet for a long moment, fidgeting on his feet nervously before he answered.

“I-I honestly forgot that I had the bloody thing.” He tried giving Draco an awkward smile, his green eyes glistening behind those round glasses of his, and Draco could tell that was a lie. He felt a vein pulse from his temple.

“You’re a damn liar, it’s because you read it!” And from Potter’s guilty silence, he knew he was right, so Draco stood up from where he was sitting and clenched his teeth, trying not to grind them. “How,” he paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, his angry thoughts. “How much of it did you read?” He could feel his face starting to burn from the heat of anger.

Potter scratched his head, causing his glasses to slide down his nose. “ _All of it,_ ” his voice was low and quiet, full of guilt. Merlin, Draco could feel his blood boiling, his face turned a deep dark red that didn’t look right with his fair complexion. Potter tried leaning over, and placed his hand on Draco’s arm.

“Don’t touch me!” He snapped at him, jerking his arm away from Potter. Scowling. Draco never liked people touching him, and after the war he especially hated it. Mostly because of Voldemort. Only people he trusted could touch him and right now Potter was not one of those people. He looked up at him, scowling like a wolf scowls at its prey. “You fucking read _all_ of it Potter??” Draco clenched his fists, feeling his nails digging into his skin. Slightly bleeding from the act. “Why?? You had no right! Those were my intimate personal thoughts, _mine_ , and _mine alone!_ ” Draco’s voice rose so loud that it threw Potter off, causing him to slightly back away from the fair haired boy.

“I-I wanted to be sure I could trust you-” Potter tried stating, but Draco interrupted him with his fist, his pale white boney clenched fist. Punching Potter right in the cheek, causing his glasses to fly clear off his face, and it bloody hurt.

“Bloody bullshit Potter, and you know it!” He growled at him, grabbing his sketchbook and journal. Potter tried reaching out to him, while holding his cheek. “Just because you’re precious golden boy Potter, doesn’t give you the right to do this.”

“Draco I’m sorry, wait-” On that note, Draco spun around on his heels cutting him off, and glared down at him, a vicious stone cold glare fit for a faerie king.

 

“Don’t. You don’t have the right to call me that ever again.” He hissed behind clenched teeth, feeling the anger well up inside him. Merlin was he angry, no furious and his knuckles hurt. He disappeared out of the greenhouse, not once looking back at the boy he bore a flame for. Bloody git. As much as Potter looked guilty, or shocked by Draco’s reaction, he could see behind his eyes was no emotion, or what looked like fighting back emotions.

\--

Harry stood in the greenhouse stunned, his gentle cheek stinging from the punch. He had imagined that going differently in his head, and had no idea that Draco could pack such a strong punch. The blonde may look fragile but he definitely was not, and with his boney slender knuckles really dug into his cheek. Harry assumed the punch probably hurt Draco more than himself, however it was well deserved. Harry knew that he should have listened to his friends, but didn’t. Knowing full well Draco would be furious for doing this, but he assumed the fair blonde would have hexed him instead of a punch. Maybe Draco really was turning over a new leaf, or maybe because a punch is more personal than a swing of a hex? Draco now knew that he read his journal, and that Harry knows his deep feelings for him. _Oh Merlin_. Would Draco even forgive the bloke for this? With the pit in his stomach Harry now wished that Draco Malfoy had indeed hexed him after all, because this was far more off putting as he was unfortunately nervous by what Draco would do next. Being punched was already shocking enough. Harry anxiously ran a hand through his hair, and grabbed his glasses from the ground, hoping they weren’t scratched. He was in luck. Harry quickened his pace down the corridor, making his way toward the potions room and once in there he snuck to the closet. He needed to a few ingredients for the potion he planned on brewing as soon as he got a chance. It would have to wait though, Harry was supposed to meet everyone at The Three Broomsticks later for some Butter Beers. Being that it was their Eighth year, they’ve been allowed quite a bit of freedom and after the kind of day Harry has had today. He was ready for some alcohol, the emotions were getting harder to handle. After Harry whisked in the potions room and grabbed the items he needed for his numbing potion. He headed up to the conjoined living quarters, it was fairly empty for the time of day it was, guess everyone was out in Hogsmeade. He stepped up the stonewall stairs and made it to his room. He pulled out his wand and whisked open his chest and placed all the items inside it. Harry changed into a warmer flannel that was laced with fleece in the inside, and wrapped his scarf around. It was not freezing outside, but it was starting to get cool and crisp outside. It was near nightfall and Harry liked having an excuse to use his firebolt so he soared over to Hogsmeade. The village was quiet for just a few witches and wizards who were out and about. Once he walked inside, wiping the dew off his chucks and headed for the table that sat his frizzy haired friend, his red headed friend and the rest of the gang. Harry plopped down to an empty chair next to Ron, and it was a given that Hermione was sitting next to him. He sat across from Dean and Seamus, Neville at the far end talking to Ginny who was sitting next to Luna, who was sitting right next to him. Ginny had her hair up in a pony tail, probably still up from Quidditch tryouts from earlier, and Luna had interesting hair pins that he had no idea what they were supposed to be, and Hermione had her hair more in curls than it being frizzy.

“Hi Harry, not wandering into trouble have you been?” Luna smiled warmly at him and he smiled back at her before turning back to her conversation with Ginny. Hermione leaned over Ron trying to get Harry’s attention.

“Psst. How’d it go, did you give it back??” Hermione asked quietly, but by the way she was leaning over Ron she caught everyone’s curious attention. “Oops,” Harry sees her say under her breath, Ron is blushing by how she is leaned over on him, taking a quick swig of his butterbeer. So Harry waits to respond to her, and ordered himself a butterbeer, along with some whiskey. Everyone looked at Harry in surprise, as no one had yet to order any liquor. He was glad to have the burning whiskey to calm his nerves and emotions until tonight.

“Well Hermione . . .” Harry paused, everyone had their eyes glued to him, but not only that, he went quiet when seeing the fair blonde walking inside the pub. He was wearing his fancy long black jacket with a dark green turtleneck, and tight dressy looking black pants with his white doc martens. His hair had strands falling around his face hiding his sharp cheekbone,s as it seems like the wind has blown it out of place. His pale complexion darkened a maroon color from the cold, which actually accented and brought out the color of his pale gray eyes. He couldn’t snap his gase from Draco, he looked so elegant and beautiful but with a smidge of danger like a faerie king from english folklore. Harry could sense the tension and anger from Draco as soon as he stepped inside, with furrowed brows and furious eyes. He cocked his head to see Harry blatantly staring at him, Draco rolled his eyes and stuck his nose in the air. He kept on walking over to a table far away with Pansy and Blaise, and Millicent by his side. Harry snapped back to reality as he saw all the eyes on him, Hermione had also been looking at Draco too, studying his behavior.

“Harry, what happened to your face? It looks a little purple.” It was Dean from across the table, squinting his eyes at Harry, he touched his face, and it stung with a slight pain. Did Draco’s punch really leave a mark on him?

“Uhh . . . it’s complicated.” Was all he said, and took another swig of his whiskey before looking back at Draco who was stealing a glance from him.

“Mate, what happened with Malfoy? I’m dying to know.” Ron tried whispering, but failed obviously as everyone inched in closer. Harry bit his lip and rammed an elbow into Ron who squeaked in pain.

“I’ll tell you and Mione later.” He said through clenched teeth, and Hermione nodded.

“Yeah Harry, what did happen with Malfoy? Because he didn’t seem so pleased with you when he walked in, more so than usual I mean.” Seamus piped in curious, still looking at the bruise on Harry’s cheek.

“Yeah, the bloke has almost been bearable this year, but he did not look happy to see you.” Dean chimed in right after Seamus and the two exchanged glances, and Harry looked at Neville who was looking away nervously, he probably witnessed their fiasco earlier. Both Ginny and Luna were looking at him with raised eyebrows, Hermione sighed and whisked her wand carefully and casted a quietus so their conversation would be more private.

“Draco punched me.” Everyone gasped, even Ron and Hermione didn’t look surprised, she shrugged. “Why??” Multiple of them asked at once, except for Ron, Hermione and Neville?

“Because I found his journal, his private journal.” Harry paused for a moment, rubbing his temples. “Because I read it, all of it.” Harry downed the rest of his whiskey out of shame, and there were confused glances that went to shock. He asked for another whiskey and sipped on his butterbeer.

“Harry!” They exclaimed, except for Seamus who appeared to be laughing. Harry narrowed his eyes at him trying to hide his annoyance because any emotions resurfacing would be too hard and trigger him.

An hour or so passed by as Harry described the story of how he came across the journal and being drawn to reading it, seeing Draco in a new light, and finally returning it which led to him being punched in the face. He was careful not to say too much, because no one else needed to know Draco’s secrets. After a while everyone went quiet, not sure how to take Harry seeing Draco differently than before and by this point Neville had already retired for the night. Every once in a while Harry would take swigs of his whiskey, and stealing glances at the salt haired boy across the pub, who seemed to be drinking rather quickly. He appeared rather wobbly, _was Draco drunk?_ He asked himself.

Harry watched him carefully, seeing how he would delicately pick up his glass and drink his dark beverage. How Draco would brush his loose locks behind his pink ears, how he would lick his lips after taking a swig, or watching him get up for smoke breaks. Harry wondered what Draco’s lips would taste like if he were to _kiss_ those thin lips of his. Would he taste like whiskey and Dunhill's? _Wait what?_ Harry quickly glanced away when he saw those gray eyes looking in his direction. He turned away, his face turning red, chest constricting. _What was happening?_ When Draco stood up again for what Harry assumed would be another smoke break, he quickly rose up seeing that Draco stumbled, Blaise and Pansy quickly caught him when Harry made his way over. The rest of the group glanced up at Harry, watching him curiously.

“Dra-Malfoy, are you okay?”

“Oh no, you stay away from him Potter.” Pansy swatted him away, and so he stepped back away from them, Draco caught his footing and stared him in the eyes, still angry. Harry gulped.

“Sorry I just-”

“Just back off Potter.” Draco spoke coyly, trying to avoid eye contact, Harry ignored the slight slur in his voice. Feeling a little fuzzy himself from all the whiskey he drank so far, but Draco seemed far worse off than him.

“Well Malfoy, it’s your fault for writing in a journal. Oh I’m sorry, I mean a dairy. Seems kind of queer doesn’t it?” Harry now realises that Seamus had been drinking too, and probably drunk as well. Which was why he was acting this way, but that didn’t stop him from scowling at Seamus.

Draco snorted, and regained his balance so that Blaise and Pansy didn’t have to hold him up. “Well look who’s talking.” Draco spat, and Seamus’s face revealed his shock “I see the way you look at Dean, and it’s the same way I look at-” On that note, both Pansy and Blaise covered Draco’s mouth to stop him from saying something he may regret from drunk slurred words. Dean’s face went a dark pink color as he cocked his head at Seamus who looked so angry, and Harry stood there awkwardly not sure how to act, trying to hold his emotions back.

“You have no right to out me like that, you’re just a nasty Slytherin as always. Just because Harry has forgiven you, doesn’t mean the rest of us forgive you!” Seamus’s voice came out harsh, his eyes blazing and Harry noticed Hermione trying to shush him, that he was drunk.

“That’s the problem with you Gryffindors, and who the bloody hell ever said I wanted your guy’s forgiveness?! All of you act so self righteous, perfect, and belittle the rest of us. Well guess what, nobody is fucking perfect. Not you, or us.” Draco took a long breath, “Yes I have made mistakes, and I _am_ trying to better myself. Doesn’t mean you need to treat us all bad for probably were my mistakes.” Draco’s words were less slurred now, but he was still wobbly. His face a dark red from anger and liquor, his tone was harsh and unforgiving. These seemed like feelings he was keeping down for a while now.

“Godric, try a lot of mistakes! In case you’ve forgotten you have that _dark mark_ on your arm.” Seamus pointed at his left arm, which it was not visible. “You fought on that side, and maybe it was out of fear, but you still did it. You and your damned family is living proof that no matter what, Harry can never truly be your friend and forgive you even if he acts like it. Your father nearly got Ginny killed, and not to mention your aunt killed Fred, tortured Hermione, and you let all of them into Hogwarts through that damned cabinet. So why the fuck are you even here Malfoy? You’re just a living reminder of our pain from the war, where you lost _no one._ ” Seamus was out of breath, his anger flowing through the pub where everyone was looking at them. Harry quickly looked at Draco who appeared distraught, knowing he was thinking of Vincent. His eyes welling up, but he could see that he was biting his lip.

“Fuck you, like I’m not trying to atone for all of that, that Vincent died because of me, you bastard.” Draco was interrupted looking like he was going to completely fall apart. Blaise and Pansy intercepted who were looking at everyone in disgust, before Harry could try reaching out to Draco. Blaise whipped out his wand and they were gone within seconds.

Harry stood there in anger, clenching his fists. Trying to bite his tongue, this whole day was a bloody mistake, and he couldn’t completely blame Seamus, he was drunk and angry and took it out on the easiest person to blame. _Draco_. Ron was the one who spoke next. “Mate, thanks so fucking much for blowing up on Draco. Yeah he’s done a lot of wrong, but he’s trying, and we don’t want to be reminded of all that bloody pain of every second.” Ron’s voice was sharp, on edge and Harry was surprised by his response. Ron walked over to Ginny who appeared to be crying, and Hermione stayed quiet. Obviously remembering her pain of being tortured.

“Bugger off Ron, Seamus is right. Not all of us can forgive him as easily as you guys.” Dean stood up in defense for Seamus, his face was red with anger as well. Harry felt extremely frustrated and furious for the events of the their night. Everyone seemed to be looking at him for response, and he narrowed his gase at everyone. Mostly Seamus, even if he didn’t entirely blame him.

“I’m beyond furious right now, because I was getting somewhere with Draco, and I fucked that up by invading his thoughts and now all this happening? He’s been in so much pain for the last few years, before the war. I know. Fucking . . . I can’t blame you completely, but I have got to get out of here before I explode, or worse fall apart.” Harry felt the anger and despair welling up inside him, and scurried out trying to make it back to his firebolt as fast as he could. It was time.

**\--**

Harry soared down to the steps of the castle that way he could make his way up to his room, it was not past curfew yet, his emotions were on a weary wavelength. His stomach felt like it was tearing apart in knots, feeling hazy from the alcohol and everything that just happened. It was getting harder to stay put together, feeling like at any given moment he would fall apart. Harry felt like a broken record, knowing these were feelings that he really did not want. Wanting to march right up to his room, and brew up that potion. However by the time he made it up to the common room, he still felt tipsy but sobering up. The room did feel like it was tilting to him, and when he staggered up the male dormitory stairwell heading to his door. Harry glared at the door, squinting at it. Not sure if his door just looked different, or was he at an entirely different door all together? Harry rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses, and once his vision cleared up he could tell who’s door it was, taking in a deep breath.

Hoping he wouldn’t get punched again, he knocked.

When the door creaked open, there stood Zabini and Harry never noticed how tall he was until seeing him standing there just a few inches away. Harry coughed in his sleeve, making sure that his voice would be clear. He didn’t know what to say, because he didn’t know why he was there. It’s not like Draco would talk to him anyway. “Uh Potter, It’s really not a good time. Draco’s . . . well.” Blaise opened up the door all the way, revealing the inside of their dorm. Draco was downing another drink, Harry guessed one of them had liquor stashed with them. Was Draco dancing? His bulky name brand headphone on, Harry recognised a walkman attached to his hip. **_Wow_**. _He was shit faced_. He had changed, and was now in a loose jumper and in his boxers? They were black. Harry tried really hard not to go pink. Draco stopped immediately when seeing Harry at his door. His face was bright red, pink, maroon. All sorts of colors Harry decided. He staggered over, losing his footing slight but he didn’t fall over and Draco seemed quite proud by the smirk on his face. “Bollocks, you’ve got to go Potter. _Hurry._ ” Blaise tried motioning for him to leave when the blonde effortlessly made it to the door, and he slouched against it. _Slouched_. Draco Malfoy never slouched, he always had perfect posture Harry thought, and surprised by the scene. Draco's hair was not in place, and seeing him slouched against the door. It was rather sexy. Trying really hard not to look down at pantless Draco, but the jumper was long on him, covering the area Harry tried avoided staring at.

“Blaise, it’s fine. I wanna talk to Potter anyway.” Harry could see that Draco was fighting really hard not to slur his words again like he did in the pub. Harry’s mouth fell open and was surprised that Draco was willing to speak to him. Blaise rolled his dark brown eyes and walked away from the two of them and headed for the common room down stairs Harry assumed. He stared hard at the fair blonde’s pale thin lips, still wanting to know what he tasted like. It was a moment of slow motion to Harry, how he licked his lips, running his tongue around those thin lips. He stared off from his lips and let his gase travel down his neck, watching his adams' apple as he would breathe, and traveled once more to his collarbone where the top of his shirt hung, just barely showing scars. Scars he gave him from the sectumsempra. His heart was racing like he was at a quidditch match and before his gase went down even lower. “Eyes up here golden boy.” Draco snapped his fingers to catch his attention, Harry traveled back up to see gray bloodshot eyes.

“So uh, about all that earlier, I wanted to apologise for Seamus, he was drunk and still angry about the war. Apparently you’re the easiest to blame.” Harry began explaining, as he didn’t know why he showed up here in the first place.

“Oh I don’t care about that anymore, Seamus was right . . . about everything.” Draco slurred just a little bit, taking a swig of his drink. Harry glanced at the dark mark Draco’s sleeves were rolled up, softening his gase, Harry had to hurry up. The emotions were getting too hard to control.

“Mal-Draco, that’s not true.” Harry couldn’t call him Malfoy anymore, he couldn’t when he saw him more than just a Malfoy. He was Draco now. Nothing else.

“Merlin don’t call me Draco, and that’s not what I wanted to talk about.” Draco rubbed his head in annoyance. “I’m still very infuriated at you Potter, and I will stay that way for some time. But. Why did you read it? Really?” The fair blonde asked, almost out of breath. Swaying.

“Because even though Mione and Ron told me not to, how could I not read it? To get to know the real Malfoy.” This was getting harder and with his head now starting to hurt he was struggling. Especially with Draco standing before him, looking like a beautiful faerie king with his stone cold gray eyes. “Reading your journal was a great distraction for me, from focusing on pushing back emotions. However, Merlin, it got so damn hard. Your journal.” He had to pause so he could hold back everything, fighting it. “You’re fucking journal . . . I was doing so well and then your journal just destroys that. Now I can hardly put up a front, feeling numb is getting harder, and I don’t like that.” Harry looked down in Draco’s confused eyes, knowing he might regret this. “I really liked getting to know you Draco, even if it wasn’t the right way, and now you’re mad at me where you probably won’t even talk to me. But I’m going to seem different from now on, and before that happens . . .” Harry’s voice trailed off, and he couldn’t stand it anymore, fighting off falling apart. Draco’s fragile figure was no longer slouched against the wall, still rubbing his head, and holding his glass with the other that bore his dark mark. His soft thin lips looked _so_ alluring, Harry now felt so drawn in, his heart racing. It was racing so fast he thought it was going to explode.

“Potter, what do you mean by that? And Merlin my head hurts so bad.” Draco’s cold stare made his heart rate go up even more, Harry slid his glasses up his nose. He then did something that surprised himself even. He just couldn’t stop staring down at his lips, those luscious thin pink lips. Wanting to know what he tasted like, what he smelled like, something about looking so vulnerable that it lured him in. Harry suddenly stepped forward, closing the distance between the two of them until their lips clasped. Harry didn’t understand it himself, but he couldn’t stand it anymore. He couldn’t just stare at his lips anymore. He ran a hand up the fair blonde’s back feeling the muscles beneath and up to the back his delicate neck deepening their kiss. He imagined Draco tasting elegant, fresh, like tea, and bitter like dark chocolate. However what he really tasted like was apple whiskey and dunhills. It surprised him that Draco tasted slightly sweet for a person who seemed bitter their whole life. Harry shuddered at the inhale of his expensive cologne and aftershave, taking it all in. It was beautiful, such a beautiful fragrance. Merlin, did he want more, wanting him so fucking much that it hurt. It was not a long kiss actually, but to Harry it felt like a lifetime. A pure, serene moment that could have easily lasted a lifetime, did time stop? Because that’s what it felt like. It was unlike any kiss he ever had before, it was so different from Cho, from Ginny, from fantasties. It was perfect. Draco made a soft moan between their lips, Harry tried not to tongue swish with him, but it was so hard not to. The crash of shattering glass hitting the floor was an indication that Draco didn’t want it to stop either, that his possible anger was put on hold for just a few moments, letting himself enjoy it as well. Touching Harry’s cheek, brushing his hair out of his eyes, tracing his scar. Draco’s breathing was soft and shallow, his face so flushed that his fair complexion now looked invisible. Harry finally pulled away, knowing that any moment he could break and as much he enjoyed this with Draco, he didn’t know what it meant and he couldn’t let his emotions all out. He _couldn’t_. It had to be like this, just for now anyway he told himself. He took one last glance at Draco, whose delicate gray eyes were widened in shock, they were glossed and beautiful that it almost brought Harry in again. Staring at those thin lips parted, and red from their lip locking . . . but Draco was wobbly. Actually he looked like he would black out from the alcohol at any given moment, before he could. Harry pulled out his wand and slowly rose it up to Draco’s temple, nearly in tears that he was trying to hold back so hard. Harry narrowed his gase and slowly eased out a silver light from the fair blondes temple, and clasping it in some bottle before Draco blacked out completely in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not have any problems with Seamus btw, just needed a character to take the fire for that pub fight, lol. So no worries.  
> Also ch. 5 is going to take some time to write as it has not been completely thought out yet. I already got a couple pages written out on my phone so far. Hope to have it up soon! :)


	5. Switched Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco struggles to figure out what happened the night before, and time passes by trying to figure why Potter is acting so strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys! Here is the next chapter, it was actually going to be much longer but I decided to split it and have some of the other scenes happen in the next chapter. Which is going to be a good EMOTIONAL chapter that I'm excited to transfer over. 
> 
> Almost the whole story is typed out on my phone, anytime a scene pops up in my head I write it out. Even while I'm at work and I can't wait to keep going! This story will have several more chapters annnnnnd it will get some steamy mature scenes later on to come!
> 
> Sorry this chapter is slow, but it's building up to the next one! Hope you enjoy it. I was excited to post this, so sorry if I missed any grammar, or spelling errors. 
> 
> P.S People, since I am new to AO3, I have lots of fanart to add to chapters buuut I can't figure it out. I have tried, however I have unfortunately failed. Anyone have tips?

**Chapter Five**

_Switched Off_

In his sleep, Draco could have sworn that he tasted plain whiskey and sweet sweet butterbeer. He brought a hand up to his thin pink lips, and grazed over them with his delicate fingers. It was a subconscious act and he wasn’t too sure why, remembering a smell that only made him think of Potter? Like pine trees, cinnamon . . . musk. Draco knew this because his 6th year when he sniffed the Amortentia potion, that was exactly what he smelled. When he later ran into Potter that very day, it was a horrifying realisation for him that sent him into denial for a long time after. Sometimes even now Draco liked to think he still was in denial. The memory sent him in a hazy daydream about the golden boy Potter. The arse may have been on his shit list right now, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t daydream about the bloke. Thinking of those green eyes of his, and his musk like scent that made Draco quiver. His body seemed to reacted to his little daydream as well, because he was bloody hard. However his head hurt too bloody much for a good wank.

Shaking from that thought, he brought his mind back to the tasting of butterbeer, he didn’t drink the beverage very often because it was too sweet, and he was not very fond of sweet flavors. So he was pretty sure he didn’t drink any butterbeer last night, but the taste seemed to linger there upon his lips. He may be hung over and having a fuzzy memory, but there’s no way he had butterbeer. His drink of choice was usually apple whiskey anyway, apples were the one sweet item that he tolerated, and balanced the bitter taste of whiskey quite nicely. Which Draco was fine with bitter taste. It was right up his alley. However whiskey being his drink of choice last night led to his head pounding, actually throbbing. Bollocks he was so fucking mad at Potter for reading his journal, those were his personal feelings! _His. Scarhead Potter thinks he can do anything._ Draco rose up from his bed like a vampire, but he had to be careful not to make himself sick by moving too suddenly. He rubbed behind his eyelids trying to appease the throbbing behind them by massaging them. Guessing last night he did some excessive drinking, considering his massive hangover which was obvious. The fair blonde actually didn’t drink a lot, it was an occasional thing most of the time but last night was different considering how sodding pissed off he was and needed to get sloshed. He may have gotten a wee bit too carried away considering Draco was indeed a lightweight, and he was very upset by the whole Potter fiasco. Merlin’s arse, Potter. This was actually pretty hard for Draco, he had deep feelings for the bloody idiot, and had been hurt by breaking his trust. Could he stay mad at him? Did he deserve to stay mad? Probably couldn't stay mad forever, but he had a tendency to be pretty sodding stubborn.

“How’re you feeling?” Blaise walked over to his bed, handing him a glass of ice water. _Bless him_ , Draco thought.

“Like I’ve been hit by a muggle bus.” Draco’s voice came out cracked, now noticing the aches and pains his whole body felt from being smashed. He was dehydrated, so he grabbed the water and downed it within seconds. “Did I act like a complete arse? My memory seems foggy,” and even though Draco was wanting to stray away from relying on magic. He might need to brew up a memory potion, because the idea of not remembering made him very uncomfortable.

“Well you got in an argument with the bloke Seamus Finnigan. Pretty heated actually.” Blaise’s tall lean body towered over Draco, and waved his wand to help with the pain from his hangover. Knowing full well that his Slytherin friend would be too stubborn to do it himself. Draco furrowed his brows at him, but then let it go as Blaise casted a _tergo_ , cleaning Draco and making him feel 100 times better, he was almost thankful.

“Merlin. I forgot all about that, shit.” His head fell in his hands from embarrassment, and the memories were starting to resurface. Only a tiny bit. Blaise was wearing very expensive tailored clothes, much like what Draco would wear himself. He sat down on the bed next to Draco. Hoping he wouldn’t regret what it was he was about to ask.

“So how’d your talk with Potter go last night? You were already in bed when I came back, but I found your glass broken on the floor. I fixed it.” Blaise’s perfect face structure made him look like some sort of God, one of his eyebrows was raised in questioning, and so did Draco’s.

“What? I didn’t talk to Potter, last time I saw him was in the pub I thought.” Draco tried really hard to remember, only remembering his awful argument with Seamus, and his sloshed dancing.

“No, you did. That’s why I left the room last night, he came by and I thought you were going to punch him again. You wanted to talk to him though.” Oh right he did punch him yesterday, that’s why his knuckles still stung a little bit. Blaise got up from the bed and grabbed some books and headed for the library. So Draco did talk to Harry last night, but why couldn’t he remember? Everything else was starting to be less foggy, remembering pieces anyway. So why couldn’t he remember talking to Potter? Draco really would need that remembering potion now, because this was unsettling. He _could_ go see Professor Slughorn and ask for one, he didn’t really feel like brewing one even if he was quite good at brewing potions. There was the option to sneak into the closet and steal a potion for himself, but that would be risky for Draco, and he couldn’t afford to get into any more trouble, he was already on thin ice in the eyes of the Ministry. Draco brushed through his hair, feeling stressed. Potter talked to him last night? So says Blaise anyway. He hoped that his stupid drunken self didn’t forgive the git in any way. Bollocks, what if he had forgiven the git? He anxiously got up, and grabbed what he would need for a shower, or did he need a Dunhill first?

Ultimately he decided on taking a shower first considering he was already holding what he needed, but Draco quickly slipped on his pajama bottoms. He apparently went to bed in just boxers. He made long strides down the corridor, he did have long legs that went along with his intimidating figure. He was built far differently from Potter who was lean, and shorter by a smidge, and softer features, warm eyes opposed to Draco’s harsh cold gray eyes. The fair blonde went back to thinking about how Potter smelled, musk and cinnamon like he could just let himself be consumed by it. No. Draco urged himself to stop. There was a loud crashing sound. He just rammed into someone walking out of the loo, he'd been so focused inside his head that he hadn’t even been paying attention to his surroundings. Draco caught himself before falling over, looking up to see Potter in the flesh. They were close to eye level, Draco seeming taller with his long like legs. Drops of water dripped on his chest from crashing into the bloke, who’s beautiful curls were stringing along his face from being damp. His warm green eyes were not warm at all, in fact he wore a stone cold expression. Before Draco could make it clear to him that he was still very much sodding pissed off, he didn’t get the chance. Potter walked off, didn’t even storm off, he just walked off like nothing even fucking happened. What the actual fuck? Maybe he didn’t realise that it was even him? Scarhead didn’t have his glasses on, and Draco always had the feeling that he couldn’t see a bloody thing without them. A very confused blonde glanced over his shoulder to stare at Potter as he walked away with his towel wrapped around his waist. Draco couldn’t help but yearn to touch those latissimus muscles of his, and that arse. Before he could daydream any longer he spun on his heels. Finally getting the chance to have blistering water stream down his fair skin.

\--

“Ah Mr.Malfoy, what brings you here?” Professor Slughorn glanced up at Draco as stepped into his office. It appeared that he was grading test.

“Have you decided on my proposal about taking on being my pupil?” He smiled up at him, setting his quill aside.

Draco went quiet for a moment, staring at his Professor before finally shrugging at him. “I haven’t given it much thought actually.” He frowned, trying not to think about the proposal, it was a nice offer that Draco did appreciate it, and it would look good for his future. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, not right now anyway. “That’s not why I’m here Professor,” He stood before him, keeping his back straight, trying to look as proper as he could.

“That’s a shame, you’re an outstanding student and would love to take you on, but I guess it can’t be helped.” He briefly looked down and cradled his hands before looking back at Draco. “Well, what can I help you with?” Draco scratched behind his ear, a nervous habit he recently inhabited.

“A memory potion?” He asked quite frankly with raised pale eyebrows. “I could just brew one of my own, but figured I would just ask first.” Professor Slughorn looked at Draco with a quizzical expression, before sighing with a small intrigued smile.

“Come here Malfoy,” he unlocked his chest on the table and opened it up, and swiftly pulled out a vile, handing it over to the fair blonde.

“Do think about my offer.” Draco mouthed a thank you before turning around to leave. Maybe it was something to think about.

\--

He leaned against the castle wall admiring the clouds up in the sky, watching them as they eased by in different shapes. The sky was so blue, and the fluffy white clouds just seemed to ease by so perfectly. Hm. He attempted to distract himself from his frustration. Although, Merlin he was so fucking pissed off. After drinking the contents of the memory potion, nothing happened. Bollocks all it did was make his memories more clear, the ones that were fuzzy, shameful and embarrassing memories like being shit faced and calling someone out for their sexuality.

However there were no memories of a conversation with Potter in the dormitory, _none_ , zip! Did the sodding event actually happen? Was Blaise just pulling his wanker? No that can’t be right, that was more of Greg and Vincent's doing not Blaise. Draco let out a long hard sigh and pulled out his coffin nails along with his exquisite zippo before lighting up. Draco now knew better than to fight the wind. Using the little trick Potter taught him, which was completely obvious and the fair blonde felt like such a tosser for not trying it in the first place. He had managed to get the idea of Potter out of his head, he had other important things to think about. Like for one why did he taste butterbeer? Why did he smell Potter’s unique fragrance, along with why did scarhead ignore him that morning? Feeling so annoyed Draco furiously inhaled the smoke, letting it burn down in his lungs before exhaling. Yes it was bad for his health, but frankly he didn’t give an flying arse. He was on thin ice, and just needed to get by, he got dirty looks on a daily basis, people still called him a death eater, being pushed around, and even tattled on. Students claiming he was hexing people when it was quite obvious that fair blonde was not. Mcgnagall never took the bait as she knew Draco was indeed trying, and he would have to be a fucking idiot to try anything. The nicotine helped him get by, to not mope in the hallway everyday and want to cry about all the horrendous terrible shit the Death Eaters and Voldemort made him do. Plus getting used to the notion of smoking was enough to get addicted to. Draco leaned his head back against the wall, his coffin nail sticking out of his lips, letting it burn up. Merlin’s arse, he did it again. Wasted yet another Dunhill by getting lost in his head and forgetting to inhale. Steps echoed down, and grew louder when a figure finally popped out next to him. Finnigan. He eyes widened at Draco and he quickly spun around on his heels trying to flee back inside the castle walls. He rolled his eyes in aggravation before calling out to the Gryffindor. “Finnigan wait,” Draco stomped out his sad Dunhill with his docs waiting for Finnigan to pop back out, which he did with great hesitation. He indeed did not blame him for that.

“Look about last night,” Finnigan began, but Draco put his slender hand up to stop him from speaking any further.

“Don’t, because everything you said was true.” Draco pulled out another Dunhill disappointed he didn’t get to smoke his last one, which was all his fault. “I’m a brute, an arse, tosser, but I _am_ trying. I can still be a total arse though.” Draco admitted, trying not to look disgusted while staring at Finnigan’s crooked slanted off tie. He desperately wanted to fix it. “I’m sorry for everything.” He tried really hard to keep his voice from sounding annoyed, as he often did when talking to blokes. He blamed Potter for this.

“I’m sorry too, I’m just angry and took it out on you.” Why did that sound familiar? Finnigan made an awkward smile that Draco raised an eyebrow to.

“I’ll always be the easiest to blame, you’ll learn that from Potter.” Draco shrugged, even if scarhead had been nicer to him this past week. Ignoring the fact that he read Draco’s journal.

“He was pretty upset after you left by the way, not entirely at me, but I think at himself. Said he was making progress with you, but fucked it all up. Although he seems strange today.” Finnigan relaxed his shoulders, “Not as much as Dean though.” Draco grimaced suddenly feeling guilty about outing his feelings like that.

“Sorry about that, merlin only knows I would have been furious if some bloke outed me. Possibly that’s why I’m so infuriated at Potter, he’s been inside my head and could reveal my secrets at any moment.” Draco’s voice came out shameful and apologetic for spilling his secrets.

“I didn’t think I was that obvious about it, either I was or you’re an extremely observant arse.” Finnigan looked at Draco, watching his expression which was calm, but weary. He was quiet for a long moment, taking drags of his coffin nail and flicking the ashed onto the ground.

“Observant you could say.”

“Last night you mentioned that the way I look at Dean was the same you looked at whoever before you were cut off.” Finnigan kicked at the pebbles that had ash on them, and Draco didn’t like where this conversation was headed. “It’s Harry ain’t it? That’s why you’re so upset he read your di . . . I mean journal.” Finnigan waited for Draco’s response, but he never got one. He only smoked his Dunhill right to the filter and flicked it away. Maybe he didn’t have to answer, Finnigan obviously already knew if he had to ask that question. Draco was never subtle about his staring at Potter, but never thought that the look on his face might’ve revealed more than expected. Finnigan nodded at the fair blonde as if taking the nod as an answer before he walked back into the castle. The two seemed to have an understanding of one another. This didn’t mean exactly mean they were friend, however the anger seemed to have dissolved which made Draco feel relieved. He should do this more often he told himself, Finnigan was not so bad. Just like when Draco talked with Weasley. However none of this meant that he’s forgotten his frustration over that stupid memory potion not helping him recover last nights events. if they did happen that is. 

\--

A month went by, and Draco mostly devoted his time studying aggressively, it was important that his grades were in tip top shape especially when the N.E.W.T.S came around. Whether he took up a career in the Wizarding World or not, it would look better with the Ministry and keep the Malfoy name up to par. After some time passed by Draco finally caved in and took Professor Slughorn up on his offer which kept him preoccupied. Nonetheless it kept him distracted from such things revolving around a certain scarhead that was irritating him. All things considered that didn’t keep Draco from staring, wandering, and daydreaming about Potter, but keeping busy did seem to help a bit. It was true he was still mad at him for what he did, but his anger turned more into frustration as Potter was getting harder to read or get his attention. Anytime he saw him in the hallway, Draco always made sure to make it clear he was still mad at him, being snarky, calling him a git, cracking remarks about his peasant looks and smell. Even though he smelled fabulous. Obviously Draco wanted to subconsciously capture his attention because Potter always seemed to look perfect, and smelled brilliant. His outfit choices on the other hand did make Draco wonder, making him wrinkle his nose in disgust by the fact that Potter couldn’t seem to prepare a tie at all. There was something about how the git carried himself right now, as if he were vacant, not caring. Not in a _I don’t care and going to rebel kind of way_ , it was more like a _no emotion_ kind of way.

Draco ran into him a few days ago, and his eyes, those bloody green eyes of his didn’t have a single speck of warmth in them. It wasn’t pain either, it was just plain cold. Stone cold. It was different from Draco’s stone cold stare, this was emotionless. Not fighting back, no struggling, just pure emptiness. Potter made a remark about how he just desperately had to have his attention. It was not snarky, joking Potter either. It drew Draco back, watching Potter walk away like he had no purpose, what was going on? This was odd behavior, so much different from before.

“I just don’t get it, it’s not stupid Potter!” Draco yelled out in frustration, clinging to his perfect salt hair. Blaise stayed cool and collected while Pansy rolled her eyes in aggravation, she had perfect eyeliner, one of the best girls in school with makeup.

“Ugh, Merlin Draco. Can we please talk about something else but that brute Potter for a single minute.” Pansy bout slammed her head against the table in the great hall, Blaise sipped on his tea amused by the annoyed Pansy.

“I must admit it’s quite annoying Draco, you’re worse than usual. I’m surprised you haven’t burned a hole in Potter yet by how much you stare at him.” Zabini set his cup down, and bit into his biscuit, enjoying the snarl that Draco gave him while Pansy giggled by his remark. “However I must admit, Potter is not acting like himself, I mean look over there.” The elegant God pointed over at the golden trio’s table, Potter was over there with them, but distanced. “He’s rarely with them, and when he is he’s not engaging.” Blaise went back to his delicious biscuit, delicately eating his dinner. Draco sighed, not breaking his eye contact from Potter and his friends. He missed the golden boy stealing glances at him, he hasn’t done that in weeks. He frowned.

“Okay, I get it Draco darling. You can’t be worrying about him right now, you’re supposed to be mad at the arse.” She signed, drinking her pumpkin juice. Draco knew she was right, it was just hard to shrug this off like usual. Something was wrong, the fair blonde stared down at his roast, having no appetite to even eat it.

The next week Draco fidgeted in Transfiguration class trying to concentration on the exam, but struggled when seeing Potter walk in class late, as usual. He was being a careless twat, and even in Defense of the Dark Arts class he didn’t try his best in duels, and somehow managed to win anyway, which frustrated Draco entirely.

Than in Potions, of course Potter came in late and plopped right down next to Draco which perked him up. Potter recently started sitting alone in that class, Weasley and Granger always sat together now considering Potter never wanted to sit with the two anymore, or it was because he came in late. Either way they didn’t sit together anymore.

Draco furrowed his brows, and grimace. Potter unfortunately did not smell like musk, or cinnamon anymore, the smell was odd like soap nothing else. It was peculiar, Draco stared at Potter, trying to find any sign of emotion, making small quiet remarks trying to trigger him, catch his attention. _Anything!_ He seemed to finally peak his interest making a comment how Potter was trying too hard to turn everything off and would have made an excellent Death Eater. He didn't mean it, but it was triggering. Draco had his chin resting in the palm of his hand, while tapping his slender fingers on the table in irritation. Green eyes finally lingered on him, and a small dead smirk that wasn’t really smirk to be honest appeared on his lips. Potter leaned in close, his hot breath flowing on the fair blonde’s pink ears as he whispered coldly, but it was also very sensual because Potter ran a finger over Draco’s bare skin, tracing his dark mark. It was electric and sent shivers down to his spine, and to his wanker.

“Is it really that _sexually_ frustrating that I’m not paying any attention to you _malfoy?_ ”

Potter’s voice was so cold and dead, while at the same time being so sensual. It caused his whole face to turn a dark flushed color while his hand slipped out from under his chin, causing his angular face to slam right into the table. “Merlin sodding fuck!” Draco yelped in the pain of slamming his head against the table. The whole class bobbed their heads slowly to look at him, Potter gave him a dead cold smirk before looking back at Slughorn who was frowning.

“Language Mr. Malfoy.”

Draco just nodded at him while rubbing his pointy chin and cheek that surprisingly hurt. Potter never glanced back at him, even though he teased him and toyed with him. It wasn’t natural, something creepy about the way he smiled at him, made Draco really uncomfortable. He sat at the table after class ended, a little sad that Potter called him Malfoy. Yes he wanted that, but it came out so harsh, like he didn’t even matter. He needed to find out what was going on with Potter. He _would_ figure it out.

“Malfoy, what on merlin’s earth happened with Harry?” Granger popped up next to him suddenly, sitting in the chair where Potter had just been sitting. Her boyfriend Weasley stood by her side, Draco tried not to give an irritated eyebrow raise. He always looked irritated, so it probably didn’t look pleasing.

“Pardon?”

“Mate, what happened with Harry? Looked like he said something to you before falling.” The red heads hair was actually quite fluffy Draco examined.

He shrugged, “not that it’s any of your business, he didn’t say much, just calling me an arse.” Draco lied, not wanting to share that Potter was playing with his feelings for him in a sexual manner. Granger narrowed her eyes at him, fighting back words of anger it seemed, Weasley the same.

“Malfoy, come on. Obviously-” He didn’t let the redhead finish, he didn’t want to deal with this right now, Potter already humiliated him. Now this?

“Sorry, but I gotta go.” Draco spun on his heels and strode away, feeling a twinge of guilt, but honestly didn’t care all that much. He glanced back over his shoulder to see worried expressions on their faces.

\--

The fair blonde sat in the hazy greenhouse, it was humid in there today, and Draco's styled hair was starting to wave, and frizz up. He combed it out of his eyes, feeling that his face was a little greasy, and his hair for that fact. He sat in a chair by the roses, and began sketching them out so he could paint them in. Today Draco planned on fiddling with water colored pencils, which gave a nice texture that was impressive. He colored on the paper of his sketchbook, filling up his glass with water with his hand. Over the summer Draco started learning wandless magic considering he didn't have his wand for the better part of it. He was slowly getting over his anti magic mood. Still didn't use it as much, but now he was less stubborn, and would use if necessary. He whipped up a thin paintbrush, and dipped it in water so he could add water to his picture of the light pink roses. After a bit he began adding some f _orget-me-nots_ into the picture, the flower seemed to peak his interest the past couple months because his memory was lost, and the flower represented memories. Most of the legends involving the flower were rather depressing actually, but maybe that’s why he liked them. Like the knight who wanted to pick the flower up for his lady, and got swept away drowning because his heavy armor. His last words were forget-me-not as he handed the flower to his lady before being swept away, dying.  _What an idiot_ , Draco muttered, being swept away like that seemed so pathetic. He added in the purple and blue for his forget-me-nots. Was he pathetic? 

"Oi Draco, haven't seen you in a few weeks." Neville's sudden interruption caused Draco to drop his paintbrush, he snapped his head up to look up at the friendly Gryffindor. He gave a brief smile up at him before picking up the paintbrush.

"I've been busy with Professor Slughorn in potions." Draco relaxed his voice, but never glanced up from his sketchbook, too preoccupied with his painting. Neville gave him a brief smile, and went over to some plants to study, he pulled out a big textbook. Draco went back to focusing on the Forget-me-nots. Seeing Longbottom made him remember something he'd forgotten about. This whole Potter situation began after he hit him, here in the greenhouse. The same day he gave a list of herbs to Neville, so that must have something to do with his attitude? right?Draco set down his sketchbook, letting the paint dry while he stood up, listening to his Docs thud on the ground as he strode over toward him. Neville glossed his eyes over at him, examineing.

"Neville, I have something to ask." The fair blonde's voice cracked just the tiniest bit, Longbottom nodded at him, waiting for Draco to continue. "A while back ago, Potter gave you a list of herbs, do you remember what it was for?" Draco anxiously fiddled with his perfect silver and green tie, his gray jumper lifted up on him, so he had to push it down. Straightening it. Neville cocked an eyebrow at him, clearly intrigued

"Didn't know you were worried for Harry's well being."

Draco's pale ears flushed magenta."I-I don't, the git is more annoying than usual. Just want to figure out why." Draco tried covering up his embarrassment, of course he cared, but no one else really needed to know that. Neville gave a charming smile at him before closing his textbook to face the blonde completely.

"I'm afraid I have no idea what Harry is using them for, probably a potion would be my guess." Neville shrugged, and he examined his disappointed expression, Draco accidentally let out a long sigh. "He wanted me to shush my mouth about it, however after he started acting odd. I gave the list to Hermione, hoping it would help them figure it out. I would go talk to her." Neville suggested, which Draco nodded back before slugging off, which he never slugged around. He was frustrated, and whisked his wand to gather up his supplies and left.

A couple days later Draco finally gathered up his courage to go up and talk to the Weasel and Granger. He was a little rude to them a couple weeks ago, but he had to talk to them if he wanted to help figure out what's been going on with Potter. He brushed back some of his salt colored locks and strode over toward the couch where the lovely-dovey couple was sitting. Draco paused his walkman which was playing some house music, he quite missed the clubs, it was a time where he was able to let loose without any shame. It was such a different atmosphere from Hogwarts, maybe he would go again during Christmas break. Draco took off his headphones and draped them around his neck. He rolled up the sleeves of his loose jumper, and for once he was wearing light washed jeans. Not black. The golden couple rose their stare toward him. He swallowed hard.

"Malfoy?" Weasley asked quietly, and calmly trying to decide whether to be annoyed or intrigued. The ball of fluffy frizzy curls kept reading. Draco went quiet as Potter suddenly walked inside the common room, which caused him to go stiff. Last time he was with Potter, he toyed with him. And now he didn't know what he would say seeing him talking to the other half of the golden trio. Draco's nerves were shot. Weasley noticed this before waving at his friend, Potter gave them a bewildered stare before heading upstairs to their room. Once Draco knew he was long gone, he let out his breath he'd apparently had been holding in that whole time.

"Weasel - I mean Weasley, and Granger. _What's going on with Potter?_ " The fair blonde sat on the coffee table in front of the couch so he could face them. That seemed to catch Granger's attention, she looked up from her book and closed it so she could join in.

"You've noticed mate?" Weasley asked, but twisted his expression feeling dumb for saying it.

"Ronald, this is Malfoy we're talking about. Of course he's noticed, no offense." Draco only shrugged with a flush on his cheeks, because Granger was not daft, and probably has known for a while now. Or possibly Potter blabbed to them about his journal. Ah. The idea of that made him grit his teeth. The red head looked at his girlfriend embarrassed.

"Ahem." Draco coughed in his hand to gather their attention. "Neville told me he gave you the list of herbs Potter needed a while back?"

"Yeah, more like a list of flowers. Though you knew about that?" Granger asked curiously.

"Yeah, that was right before I punched him." Draco stated, wanting to move the conversation forward. Granger nodded and looked around in her bag pulling out the parchment that was obviously Potter's messy handwriting.

"Here, I'm tired of looking at it, I've been trying to figure it out for a few weeks now. All I know is it had to be a potion. But what kind? I have no idea, it must’ve been homemade." Granger sighed in aggravation. Her hair was a little messy from where she would clench it in her fists. Draco grabbed the parchment, examining it. It was all flowers, non magical though. Odd. 

**List:**

- _Carnation/Rose(red)_

- _Chrysanthemum_

- _Calla lily_

- _Dandelion_

- _Fir_

- _Iris_

- _Holly_

- _Hyacinth(purple)_

- _Petunia_

It was a strange list of flowers, all of which were indeed just plain garden flowers, flowers used for muggle arrangements. They were an odd assortment though, he expected it to be herbs not flowers. Draco ran a hand through his perfect hair which made it messy, he bit his lip thinking, staring at the parchment.

"If this was a potion, I don't know why these flowers would be important, they have no magical properties. We use these for decorations." Granger goes on, and Draco feels for her, hearing the frustration in her tone.

"How do we even know these flowers are even connected to how Harry's been acting?" The Weasel asks, feeling lost.

"They are, they have to be! Why would Harry just have these flowers right before his change in behavior, but their importance is what gets me. They're not used for potions, why would they? Just plain flowers." She opens up a potion book, looking in there for a key. The trio couple go on their own conversation for a bit. Draco looks at the list again, they must have something in common. Or else why use them? Potter needed them for a reason.

"Wait," the fair blonde opens his bag, and pulls out a non Hogwarts book, it's a muggle flower encyclopedia used for Floristry. He opens it up, and glances through pages like he's onto something.

"Mate, _what is it?_ "

"Ah, it's not a matter of if these flowers having any magical properties. There's ingredients that can enact that arse shit." Draco flipped through other pages again, finding all the flowers listed.

"What do you mean Malfoy?" Granger asked, she looks exhausted. Draco felt bad for her.

"What I mean is, yes these are normal muggle flowers. But it's what they mean. _Represent_." He glanced up from his book to catch eye contact from the two.

"Yes, flowers have their own language. I've already looked up their meaning; l _ove, sorrow, anger, death, mourning, time, happiness, hope_ , and _defense_." Granger listed off all the meanings on her fingers while calling them out with annoyance in her tone.

"Merlin how has Potter been acting? _Emotionless_. He has since the school year started, and probably before that, I don't know. But I could see him holding back. Now he's not holding back at all, it's like he flipped a switch, turned off the emotions. That's what these flowers represent. Emotions. So it's the opposite." Draco stared intensely at Granger, hoping she would catch on. He smirked once her eyes glistened.

"H-how could I have been so daft? I didn't even think about it like that!" She exclaimed ecstatic. "So he found a potion to make him numb, but not physically numb. Emotionally numb. A number of contents could just make it work how planned."

"Oi, if such a potion is made up like this. How do you reverse the effects?" Weasley piped in, and Draco just shrugged.

"I don't know Ron, but now we have a direction to go in. Let's meet up at the library tomorrow and see what we can find, and don't try to argue Malfoy. You obviously care." She closed her book with a yawn. She was right, and at this point Draco wasn't necessarily angry anymore. Just worried. Potter wasn't meant to be like this.

"Meet you after classes tomorrow. Don't even hint to Potter that we're onto him." He stressed a finger out at Weasley before getting up to smoke a coffin nail, hoping he didn't sound too demanding or like an arse. Which to be honest, he probably did.


	6. Dear Draco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco finds something of interest stuffed into his journal that could be the key to Potter and his sudden change in attitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Okay everyone, sorry I made you wait so long! I started a new story of my own of late, and that's what I've been working on recently, plus drawing out my own characters. Anyway, I finally edited this chapter so I could post it for everyone. It was actually going to be much longer, but I've decided to split it into two chapters instead. So I'll try to post chapter seven soonish. Emphasis on the ish part. lol (It's done, just have to edit it and maybe make it a little longer.)
> 
> Anyhow, I hope everyone likes the story, and where it's going! Please enjoy. 
> 
> I tried editing this pretty fast, so do let me know if I missed anything.

The Journal

Chapter Six

Smoking his Dunhill outside the castle building, it was freezing bollocks outside, crisp and lightly snowing outside. Draco took a drag, tilting his head back to blow out the smoke, trying to keep his hands from shaking. November was nearing an end, and the lot of them haven't gotten any closer to figuring this shit out. Almost every night they all got together and discussed what they found, ideas, anything. Anything at all. Eventually Draco asked Blaise and Pansy to pitch in and help, and even Neville, Ginny and Luna helped on occasion as well. Ginny didn't always have time because she was captain of Gryffindor Quidditch team, and Luna always followed for moral support. In the contrary though, Seamus and Dean would also help considering the two were now a couple. Not quite open about it, but Draco could tell.

Draco leaned his whole body weight against the wall frustrated. Pissed really. They've been at this for a month and haven't made any progress at all. It seemed like all they were doing was going in circles, and Potter slowly didn't interact with anyone at all. Which he already didn't anyway, but now all he ever did was sleep, or hang out in the room after classes. Draco sighed, he hated seeing him like this. Even if Potter was avoiding all possible emotion, it still all seemed so sad and forlorn. Hermione had come up with a potion thinking it would reverse the effects of his homemade numbing potion. She was brilliant, annoyingly brilliant but he respected her all the same. However she surprisingly asked Draco to brew it as he was the best at it, not that she wasn’t excellent at it herself but, Hermione had enough to worry about with her studies and the N.E.W.T.S, for she was the most serious about it. The blonde already spent all his spare time in the potions room anyway. So there he brewed up a potion that would seem to counter effect Potter’s, but he doesn't think it's going to do any good. With how he was acting, this just seemed too simple, too easy. When it came to Potter, nothing ever came so easy, he was the chosen one after all.

Draco ashed his Dunhill, and flicked it to the ground where he stomped it out with his docs, headed back inside. Made his way to the library where everyone was already sitting around, and discussing new ideas, or probably the same idea honestly. Circling around the same idea was something that always seemed to happen quite often. The fair blonde found a seat next to Pansy, and plopped right next to her, and across from Hermione. It was only Blaise, Pansy, Hermione and Ron today. Draco slung over his bag, and pulled out a bottle of the brewed potion to the frizzy headed girl.

"Oi mate, you're like thirty minutes late again." Ron narrowed his eyes at the fair blonde. Draco just rolled his eyes with a shrug.

"Well I had to smoke, one, two, well three coffin nails."

"Those are bad for your health." Ron remarked.

"Like I care." Draco smirked.

"Okay everyone, what's next?" Hermione put her hair up in a high thick ponytail. She put the bottled up potion away in her bag, waiting for everyone to settle down. Draco had come to be on friendly terms with everyone now, but he dreaded this meeting today, because it seemed pointless by now. Getting nowhere, and it was driving his patience.

_"What's next Hermione?_ "

Everyone whipped their heads back by the sudden voice. Draco recognised it immediately before even seeing his stupid round glasses. Fuck. Draco felt his stomach drop by his cold empty eyes.

" _Harry?_ " The red head stammered, shocked to see his friend standing there. This was odd, they'd been at this for like a month now, and Potter hasn't once come to them.

"Hermione, Ron, what're you doing with the Slytherins?" Potter's voice was cold, disconnected. Draco felt stupid and dumb founded, he couldn't take his eyes off of him. He looked tired for someone who always slept, his hair was longer, and Draco was pretty sure he wore that same clothes for three days straight. Even if he looked like a hot mess, the blonde still thought he was beautiful.

"Oh well we all share a common room now, and decided to start studying together." The ball of curls spoke confidently, and so smooth that it surprised Draco. It didn't sound like a lie at all. So Potter just nodded coldly, and left. Just like that, but he was impressed by Hermione, and really understood why she was so brilliant.

"Nice save." He stated.

"Thanks, but we gotta hurry. He looks rough." Hermione opened up her book, and pulled out her notes. Everyone began working, at this point they just grabbed books and started reading. Pansy and Blaise came up with some clever ways to get Potter to drink the potion. Mostly anyway, Blaise suggested just restraining him. Which would probably backfire with Potter, they needed to be sneaky. Sly. It was nearly dinner time, and the group decided they would slip the potion in his pumpkin juice prior to Pansy's suggestion. Simple but effective.

Draco ate quickly, he wanted to retire back up stairs. He actually hasn't written in his journal ever since Potter gave it back to him. He had entries to transfer over, and he just hasn't felt like writing in it. Every entry would just end up sounding the same anyway, him expressing his worry for Potter. Just seemed so pointless by now. So he turned in early, and headed for the common room to only bump into none other a certain peasant of course. He changed his shirt to a Gryffindor t shirt, and hoodie. Thank merlins arse, finally something clean. Just before Draco tried walking past him, he felt a tug on his jumper, he paused to see the chosen one pinching on his sleeve. He looked weary, like he wanted to say something, his glasses sliding down his nose, green eyes wavering, his lip quivering just slightly.

 "What do you want peasant?"

Potter quickly let go, his vacant expression quickly returned, no longer looking weary. He then at that moment darted for the dining hall for dinner. Draco stared after him, confused. That was odd, very odd. Was a part of him fighting? Was the potion weakening? Hm. The fair blonde ran up the stairs and slid into his room. He summoned his journal, not quite remembering where he hid it. Suddenly the dark green leather journal was in his hand, and he opened it up. He flipped through some of his old entries, examining them. Then something odd happened, while Draco was holding up the journal, something fell out, and fluttered onto his silk sheets. It was an envelop, one of his his own actually. He recognized the expensive material right away, and the smooth grain. Though it was in Potter's handwriting, and was addressed to Draco himself.  

 "What?" He spoke to himself, and examined it. Draco was cautious to open it up at first. What if it was a trap? Enchanted? Cursed? Although nothing happened thankfully. He slid out his nice parchment inside, and unfolded it to see it was a letter written from Potter. A personal letter, so he glossed over it to read.

**_Dear Draco,_ **

_I know you've asked me not to call you Draco again, that I lost that right. Moreover I must say that I can't call you Malfoy again, because I now see you as much more than a Malfoy. You're now just Draco to me. You might have noticed that I snuck this letter in after I gave your journal back. And yes that means I saw your sloshed dancing if you must know. You could probably make a living off of it. So yes, I saw you again after you left the pub. You won't remember because I took that memory from you. It was terrible of me, and selfish maybe, but I did it anyway because if you remembered then you possibly wouldn't be able to help me. Which brings me to this. I'm going to seem different for a while, how long? I dunno, and I have no idea of the side effects. I just know I need this now, and you may ask why you're the person who could counteract this? You're the key, I just know it and you'll have take make my word for it, because you're the one that must decide if the side effects are too much, if my changed behavior is going on for too long. So it'll have to be up to you when it's time, and doing this with the lost memory is best because you won't hold anything back._

_As far as I know, you need to forgive yourself over your past. You can't go on life walking around eggshells. People will see the new and improved Draco that I read about in your journal. You've made brilliant progress, because you are Brilliant Draco, and you can do it one step at a time. Seamus may have been right, but you have the power to show them what I see in you. Even if you are furious at me. I hope that doesn't change how you feel, because I love how you look at me when you think I'm not paying attention, or how in your journal you thought about my safety even though you "hated" me. That was never the case huh? In regards to my green eyes, I admire your icey gray stare. It's such an ideal part of who you are, and I would never want to see it change._

_Well it appears I've written too much, and you're probably scowling right now at my terrible handwriting. Just pay attention to my behavior, and decide what needs to be done, I also need to apologise if I act like a complete arse for a while. I have no idea what this potion will do, but I have to try it._

**_Sincerely_ **

**_The Git Potter_ **

_P.S You remind me of a cat when you sleep. So stubborn and aloof, but so peaceful and innocent when asleep. Hope that wasn't weird. It probably was though, I am a complete and utter git after all._

 

\--

The letter set in pale fragile shaking hands, nearly falling to his silk sheets, but Draco caught the letter, and read it, and read it, and read it again. So many times in fact that the words began to blur together, or maybe tears were wielding up in his eyes, and his face was overheating with a flush. Draco knew his ears had to be red. The chicken scratch handwriting was so different from his own, however it was so very much Potter. Exactly what he thought it would look like if he got a letter from him. He saw his sloshed dancing, dear merlin, he probably looked like a sodding idiot. It was the nicest letter he had ever received, so much heart was put into it, and in a way Potter was asking Draco to rescue him. Him. But this sure explained a lot, Potter took out the memory after the pub, so they did talk, but what happened? He needed him to not hold anything back, to counteract the effects of the potion. Which Draco now knew was a numbing potion they gathered by the list of flowers. But why did he need him? What was so special about Draco helping him, Weasley and Granger would easily be the better candidates. Right? They're his best friends after all, been through thick and thin. So why him? What did it all really mean anyway? How was he supposed to help him?

Draco folded the letter back up in his journal to keep it safe, it was special. Oh right he was going to write an entry to make up for his lack of them, and transfers the ones from his workbook over. After some time, Draco's wrist cramped up, so he caved in and enchanted the quill. He found himself using a quill again, Professor Slughorn urged him to use a quill instead anyway. Finally when he finished up, Draco held his journal in his arms, and left his room. At some point Blaise had appeared on his bed, reading a book. The beautiful goddess didn’t even glance up at him once. Obviously too engrossed in his book. The fair blonde was in a rush find Hermione and Ron, but mostly Hermione considering she was the brilliant one. Not that Draco didn't appreciate Weasel Bee, he often enjoyed playing Wizards Chess with him since Potters new personality found no reason to partake in it with his best friend of late. Draco had been impressed how excellent the Weasley was at it.

The fair blonde stepped down the stairwell, listening to his boots hitting the stone floor, it was still early so Granger probably was in the library studying for real this time, or reading. He was curious if the potion he brewed up actually did anything to Potter, or if he was tricked into drinking it period? Draco took fast strides to the library, looking for the head of dark frizzy locks. Recognising her immediately as a head of red hair was sitting next to her, cuddling. They were disgustingly cute. Draco pulled out a chair and sat across from her, folding his slender hands on the table. Surprised by his sudden appearance Hermione jerked up, her hair bouncing in the cation and Ron almost fell out of his chair, cursing at Draco.

"Malfoy? Look I know you're getting impatient, but I'm at a loss here. Harry drank the potion mixed in his pumpkin juice. Merlin it didn't do anything." She dropped her head in her hand, poor girl had smudged ink on her face. “Nothing.”

"That's not why I'm here actually." Draco tried to hide his annoyance of Hermione's assumption, which he was inpatient, especially since Potter had a memory of his, and he really wanted to know what happened in it. He rubbed his temple, blushing by the scenarios bustering through his head. He did recall smelling Potter that morning, and tasting butterbeer . . . oh Merlin! No. that wasn’t important right now. He shook his head, now looking at the couple staring at him in a strange manner.

"Mate, why are you here then?" Weasley's tone was not harsh, just intrigued. Granger had the same expression, eyebrows raised noticing he was shaking. She looked around to make sure that they weren't disturbing anyone around that may have been sitting close by.

"Join me for a coffin nail outside?" Draco nods his head back to the doors, he wanted to talk with them, get their input. However he needed a coffin nail, after reading that letter his nerves were a wreck, he couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't.

Once outside, Draco leans back against the castle wall, with one leg propped back. It was how he always smoked outside. Always, well almost always. He felt the hard stone grind against his salt hair. He pulled out a new pack of Dunhills, packed em and tore off the plastic and bunched it up into his packet, not wanting to litter. The golden couple stood close by, however Granger stood a fair distance away, not wanting the smoke to stick in her hair, smoke would always blow at her. The Weasel on the other hand did not care one bit. Barely phased him. The two love birds examined Draco as he slid out a Dunhill, lit it up and inhaled. His nerves were a wreck, he felt his whole body shaking and they seemed to sense it off of him so they waited patiently til he got a few inhales in, waiting for Draco to calm a bit. Finally he was halfway done before glancing back up at them, curious eyes on him. He pulled his journal out of his coat pocket, and slid out the letter and handed it over to the bushy haired girl.

"What is this?" She asked curiously, nervous to open it. The red head linger over her so he could examine it too.

"A letter from Potter," he flicked out his Dunhill, stomping it with his white Docs. Finally he glanced back at the two. "I just found it hiding in my journal. I've barley written in it for months or else I would have found that ages ago." Draco sighed in desperation, wishing he had found the letter earlier. She opened it up carefully, scanning the first few lines, but stops. Draco clenched his fist feeling anxious, his stomach was doing flips.

"Are you sure you want me to read this Malfoy? Seems a little private." Her voice sounded strained. He wasn't sure because he liked his life being private, but this was moreover under peculiar circumstances so he let it slide. He nodded at her, traveled his gaze to Weasley and nodded at him as well. So she continued, looking very serious until a giggle escaped her dark lips. Draco tried not to blush knowing full well which part she was giggling at, Granger quickly went back to her focused reading expression, then finally back to a thin smile at the very end before handing it over to her beloved. Who in fact made the same expressions as his lover. After a moment he handed the letter back to Draco who put it back safely in his journal and put it up. He whipped out another Dunhill and lit it up, suddenly feeling anxious by their response.

"So?" Draco inquired, pressing for a responses, he blew smoke out toward the sky. Trying to avoid Granger’s bushy hair. Maybe he should be thinking of them on first name basis now? Hermione and Ron? How odd.

" _Bloody hell_ ," Ron began, and Hermione stepped forward, she was clearly blushing.

"Wow. I mean, just wow. One; I want to know what happened with that lost memory. Two; Merlin clearly Harry cares for you more than we realised. He expects you to save him, he wants you to save him." Her voice came out emotional but excited, brushing hair behind her ears.

"How? What does he mean it has to be me? I don't get it, you two are the obvious choices." Draco spat, he was so nervous, blowing out smoke from his thin lips, and french inhaled. The couple gave one another a look, and glanced back at him.

"I mean think about it, this started after Harry read _your_ journal. So it made a huge impact on him, probably made it harder to push back those emotions." Granger did make an excellent point there, it did happen after Potter gave the journal back, slipping up that he read it.

"Mate, for one, you'll give it to him straight. Be real, no sugar coding. You're blunt, and won't take his emotionless arse shit right now." That was probably true, so he nodded.

"I agree with Ron, also there's the fact that what you feel for Harry is different from what we feel. Which gives more emotion to your words that might trigger him." Granger smiled at Draco, and the coffin nail almost slipped through his fingers. She knew how he felt, but of course she knew. She's Hermione. Brilliant. Maybe he had been obvious lately, but he didn't realise they saw through that as his flame he bore for Potter grew stronger. Or maybe Potter told them. Draco's fair complexion was darkening by the minute, turning crimson.

"Merlin's arse, maybe you're right but are you just insinuating that I march up there and just bloody talk to the idiotic git, lay it all out with my forward harsh words?" The fair blonde arched an eyebrow at them, feeling nauseated, finishing the second Dunhill. He flicked it out of of his line of vision, no longer leaning against the wall.

"That's exactly what I'm insinuating! March up there and be Draco Sodding Malfoy, hold nothing back. Harry took that memory for a reason, and that's why." Hermione pointed upward as she had so much energy with her words, so much excitement, so much hope. Her eyes glistened with it.

"Ain't she Brilliant?" Ron smiled dreamily at her with raised eyebrows, and Draco felt himself gag. Merlin these two already acted as if they were married, but he felt that's what he liked about them.

"Okay, I'll give it a shot. Is he in your room?" He felt his heart racing, but he needed to be cool and collected. Cold, harsh, but still caring. Could he do that? Draco made his way up there, every step making him feel more, and more anxious. This was Potter they were talking about, golden boy, the saviour. Could he really save the saviour? Could he do it really? Could he pull this off? Potter was more of an arse than usual, so he probably could. Right? Draco suddenly found himself at the door, Potter's door. Merlin he got here faster than expected. His chest constricting, heart racing, hands shaking. He squeezed his eyelids shut, taking deep breaths.

_"Come on, you can do this Draco."_

He collected himself, and knocked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping everyone liked Harry's letter :)


	7. Bloody Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco confronts Harry about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm so sorry for the long delay! I'm in the middle of trying to create my own manga/comic and I've been working on character designs for a while. However so many of you guys have been so supportive to me, so I'll try to be better about posting from now on! Hope you guys like this chapter, I had it planned out from the very beginning. :)

The Journal

Chapter Seven

Harry heard the knock on his door echo through the room, where he’d been sitting around his bed for days. The effects were starting to wear off, just a smidge. Enough for a burning pit deep inside him, eating away at him. He subconsciously grabbed onto Draco, not knowing that he actually wanted this to all end, his regret. His motivation now decreasing into nothingness, except for that to Draco Malfoy. Even when in this state, the rival wizard still clung to him, the only one who was effecting this potion. Now Harry no longer knew the difference in the feelings, what were real feelings surfacing or the nothingness that been apart of him for these past months. Eventually he glanced up at the door, whisked his wand, allowing the door to unlock and fly open. Walking in the the doorway were the recognisable white doc marten boots, with jeans that were rolled up, and a black loose jumper that slightly revealed the pale white shoulder of a very sexy Slytherin. _Draco_. Harry was actually surprised to see him, but the fair blonde would have never noticed by the look on Harry's face, which was blank. He frowned at the boy keeping his stone cold expression he's had for months, Draco took his steps closer to Harry, his boots creak against the flooring. There was now an unpleasant energy in the room.

"What are you doing here Malfoy? I assumed you would never wanna see me again. Or are you just pathetic enough to get my attention by coming here?" Harry stated coldly, no emotion in his voice, it threw Draco back in surprise, and he bit his lower lip. Stopping in front of Harry, determination in his cool gray eyes.

"Rude." Draco remarked, narrowing his gray eyes at Harry, who just stared back at him with emptiness flowing around him. "I just want to talk, and before you argue. You owe me. You've read all my intimate thoughts."  Draco sat on the edge of the bed with Harry so that they could be at eye level.

Not that Harry even cared, he shrugged anyway. "Fine," he murmured.

Draco closed his eyes, and Harry raised an eyebrow at the notion, intrigued. "So Granger and Weasley told me that you've been taking a numbing potion." Draco chose his words carefully, which of course this was information he already knew, however Harry did not. Still he appeared to look nervous to Harry, but with a string of confidence attached to him.

"Yeah?" Harry's voice still cold as ice.

"They said you did this after reading my journal. Why? I thought you already felt numb from the war." Draco stated, rolling up the sleeves of his jumper, he was flushed and appeared to be feeling rather warm. Harry glanced down to see the dark mark, and his green eyes sparked, drawn to it, but he didn't answer. "Why do you want to feel numb? Is it because emotions are weakness?" Draco’s words were now coming out in a harsh tone, seeing if it got a reaction out the chosen one, and it did. Harry whipped his head up at Draco, looking into his light gray eyes. Feeling the pit in his stomach once again, he didn't like the direction this conversation was going. Draco was his weakness, and he was breaking.

" _What?_ " Harry's voice was cracked.

"My father used to tell that emotions were a weakness, and you can't be powerful with feelings. As they hold you back." His voice was coming out more harsh now, more strong and dominate. Harry's eyes grew wider, feeling his chest clench in anxiety. Shit.

"Wha," He still couldn't quite speak, and Draco went on, his eyes narrowing at Harry, his expression in a grimace.

"Is that what you're doing Harry?" Draco inched closer to him, speaking his first name hoping it would spark something inside Harry. "Are you pushing back your emotions for power? So that you can go down that dark path like Voldemort? You were once connected to him, is it still there? **_Are you wanting to be like him?!"_** Draco's voice now rose into a strident yell. Harry felt sick, fighting back tears wielding up in the back of his eyes, mortified by his words. Breaking. Was the potion worn off more than he thought? Or was Draco actually really good at this shit?

"N-no, it's not like that, that's not why I'm pushing back my emotion!" Harry recoiled, terror in his voice, and Draco's eyes lit up, he was about to do something that he would have not liked, but maybe it would help Harry. So then he placed his hands on the sides of Harry's face so that their eye contact wouldn't be broken. Harry's felt his heart twist in a panic, his chest tightening. 

"Are you sure Harry, are you sure you're not wanting to turn off your humanity so you can be just like him?!" 

" _ **No it’s not like that Draco!**_ "  Harry finally snapped, his heart and chest tightening horribly by this point, and his breath was raspy. However Draco was getting somewhere, Harry called him Draco for the first time in months.

"Then why? Why don't you wanna feel?" Draco snapped back, his gray eyes piercing Harry's, not breaking eye contact. 

"I don't know," Harry tried making an excuse, tried to look away from Draco, but couldn't.

"Why Harry?!" Draco kept his voice at a harsh volume so it would impact Harry. 

" _Merlin! Because once I feel, I will break._ " Harry fought back the tears, the emotions, everything.

" _ **Then bloody break!**_ " Harry's eyes widened in surprise. _What?_ "Because once you do, all that's left is to pick up the pieces!" Draco's tone was still intense, never like he heard him before, and Harry felt it coming, it was about to happen.

"N-no I can't!" He screamed back, so Draco held on to him tighter.

"Bloody brake Harry. Think of everyone who you have lost, that you must mourn." 

"No!" Harry lashed out at Draco, and for once he couldn't fight him off, Harry never knew how strong he was before. Maybe is was his determination?

"Think of Dumbledore, Lupin, Tonks . . . She just had Teddy" Draco kept his tone grim, knowing he was almost there. 

" ** _No stop!_** " Harry could feel it coming.

"Think of Vincent, Lavender, Fred, Dobby . . . Your owl Hedwig . . . Snape. Think of all  of them. Would your parents want this? Would Sirius want this Harry?" Draco voice lost it's sharp tone, he locked eyes with Harry who was nearly in tears, and it came. It was as if Harry could hear the cracking in his skull, making its way until shattering. Into a million tiny pieces hitting the ground.

" _ **No! Bloody hell!**_ " Harry screamed out, it all came rushing back at once. Harry felt like his heart break, or melting he couldn’t decipher the feeling. However it was terrible. His stomach dropped, and the tears came, no flowing. They all came rushing down his cheeks, all at once. " _Oh Merlin, what did I do? No!_ " Harry cried out in pain, falling into Draco's chest, who seemed to take him by aback. " _They're all dead! **Dead**_ **.** " His tears flowed down his cheeks, and Draco hesitated for a moment, but then relaxed. Wrapping his arms around Harry, debating on stroking his dark locks or not.

"It's going to be okay now." His voice was now smooth and gentle, nothing like Draco has ever expressed. He nuzzled his face in Draco's jumper, gripping on tightly. The fair blonde allowing it to soak up his tears. Harry took in the smell of Dunhills and expensive cologne now mixed with salty tears. Just like he smelled like months ago when he had snogged him. Harry lifted his head up, staring into those gray eyes, and today they were gentle, not cold. Staring at his think pink lips, almost leaning in, but Harry stopped. Draco did not remember that night, and it didn't seem fair to kiss him when he was a fucking disaster. He let himself drop back into Draco's chest, realising there were more tears to come. 

-

Several minutes ago, Harry finally passed out from exhaustion, crying takes a lot out of you, and when that much comes out at once, it really wears you down. Draco cringed by the the fact that Harry had soaked his jumper completely. It was starting to irritate his pale skin, and clung to him. Fidgeting under, Draco glanced down to see scarhead, watching his chest rising and falling under him. The fair blonde slipped off his round glasses, wanting to touch his soft cheeks, admiring those long dark eyelashes. Draco honesty could have sworn that Harry was going to snog him, maybe he was misreading it. It seemed like that kind of moment thought anyway, It really did, his heart felt like it was about to burst. Nonetheless he was glad Harry didn't, as much as he would have loved to touch his lips. Experience what he tasted like. It wouldn't have been right, taking advantage of him in his state. Maybe he would get another shot at it once the idiot was back to his annoying golden boy self. Draco finally folded the glasses, and set them on the bedside table. He thought about wiggling out from under him, but for someone who was asleep, their grip was very, very tight. Also he sodding loved the moment too damn much. 

Draco smiled in relief. 

He did it, the bloke actually did it. Accomplished saving Harry from himself. From that damn sodding potion. He's the one that made him feel again, the one that got him to cry, to mourn. To be Harry Potter again. It required though love, someone to be blunt, to be harsh and maybe that's why it had to be him. Draco honestly didn't care why, he was just relieved that he did this. 

The door opened slightly, and Ron popped in, wanting to check to see if Draco and Harry killed each other yet. His face turned a dark red color that it was not flattering to complexion considering his red hair. Looked like a tomato or a red balloon. He quickly shut his eyes of fear and embarrassment. "Blimley. I sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt!" Weasel Face was frantic, covering his eyes, and Draco narrowed those gray eyes of his in annoyance.

"Are you daft? He's only asleep you twat." Draco hissed behind his clenched teeth. 

"Y-you helped him? You did it?" Ron stammered in awe. 

"Here, I'll go. This is weird." Draco began moving out from Harry but suddenly he felt the grip on his waist tighten. The chosen one muttered something under his breath along the line of 'don't leave me.' Draco flushed, his chest constricting. Harry Potter didn't want him to leave his side. The boy he bore a flame for clung to him like there was no tomorrow. 

"Mate, just stay there for a little bit longer. Meet Mione and Me in the common room later." The red head made a hand motion to indicate that Draco absolutely needed to stay put. The fair blonde nodded, waiting for the door to close, so he could relaxingly combed through Potter's hair with his slender fingers. Softly humming a lullaby that his Mother Narcissus sang to him, insuring that nightmares would stray away, as if it were a charm. Draco often sang the lullaby before bed even now because it helped from bad memories of the war, of the sectumsempra, everything he did in hopes of keeping them out of his dreams. Even if it seemed silly or cheesy. He knew Harry would need this now, because he actually died, lost much more than Draco and letting himself feel again will bring those bad memories back more often. Especially in his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol this chapter seemed a lot longer on my phone when I wrote it out, ended up not being that long really, however it made it to where editing it would go by much faster! The next is the only one I don't have previously written on my phone. Because I'm still debating on what should happen in it, but basically all the other chapters are all typed out already. Hoping I won't take as long for the next chapter. We shall see. Hoping everyone liked this chapter. <3


	8. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is now back to his old self, however now Draco is acting strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha it's finally here guys! Sorry it still took me so long, even after I updated everyone that I was working on this. I actually had quite a bit of trouble writing this chapter because of all the heartfelt conversations, etc and I just wanted to get the feeling right, so I took my time. 
> 
> This chapter I have actually split in half because I feel bad for making you all wait so long for this, so I wanted to give the lot of you something instead of later. The second part of this chapter I know what I want to do, but gotta think about how I want to execute it. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for all the support! I really appreciate it, and it's what keeps me motivated to continue writing! :) 
> 
> Stay tuned!

**The Journal**

_Redemption_

The dreams were bad, exactly how Harry Potter had imagined they would be. He had expected they would be sad, trifling, and suffocating. Moreover the young wizard was completely surprised that he'd woken up normally, no cold sweat or anything. Harry could remember the faint sound of a lullaby playing in the background while he slept. Where did it come from? The chosen one glanced over to his side, feeling unusually warm, and heavy. To his dismay Draco was lying next to him, no he was laying on him. Blimey. He half expected the fair blonde to be absent by now. He was still there, and he was fast asleep. However he wasn't really asleep, not in a good way. Harry leaned in closer, casting a quietus charm quickly so that Ron wouldn't notice, who was fast asleep in his own bed, drool dripping from his mouth. _Merlin_. Draco must have been exhausted if he allowed himself to fall asleep here, with _him_. Which the wizard knew it must have been exhausting, dealing with him all this time. Now he was feeling everything, it was rough but Harry was happy he was back to his old self without the exhaustion of holding back feelings. He felt like a complete tosser for even going through with that potion. What did everyone think of him doing that? Would Sirius have been disappointed him, his parents? Harry bit his lip, and grabbed his glasses which were on the night table. He felt so stupid, and surprised Draco was able to break him. Merlin. He had hoped that the fair blonde would be able to do it, and figured he would be the one to do so, moreover actually seeing him do it was beautiful and incredible. He accomplished it with such confidence, such power, boldness. He was glad, even if now he was in excruciating pain. Harry Potter was happy to feel again, but Merlin was it harrowing.

Harry whipped his head to the side to see Draco stirring in his sleep, sweating, his heartbeat racing heavily. He inched in toward him again, to stroke his blonde locks out of his face, revealing the harsh angles of the Malfoy boy. His pale pink lip was in an uncomfortable downward frown. Draco's hands were clenching the bed spread, he was still wearing all his clothes, even his Docs and coat. No wonder he was sweating. Moreover Harry knew deep down he was sweating because of his dream or possibly nightmare. Harry stroked over the death eater mark that was revealing, and Harry sighed deeply. The chosen one felt his body move in closer to the ex death eater, staring down at his soft thin lips. Almost opening his own mouth being just an inch away when suddenly Draco's cool grey eyes opened up. Harry immediately shot back in horror, staring down at Draco. He hoped his red face wouldn't be very noticeable in the dark room. The fair blonde was heaving, his lips partly open, his body flushed and sweaty. His expression is what got Harry though, Draco was horrified by something. His eyes so big in agony, merlin what happened to him? At that moment he shot up, and narrowed his cold eyes at Harry.

"What were you doing git?" He voice was surprisingly cold, taking Harry by surprise. 

"I um, just rolled over oddly." Potter tried laughing it off awkwardly, scratching his dark thick locks. Draco's expression relaxed into a smirk, just slightly. By the looks of his body language, he appeared to still be very much on edge. 

"Liar, but I see scar head is finally feeling better." Draco's voice was odd, even if he was acting like himself, something appeared to be off. "Can't believe I’d fallen asleep, merlin." He muttered under his breath.

"Are you okay Draco? You seem distressed." Harry's voice was gentle and soft, filled with worry. At that moment he saw it, the pained look on the fair blondes face again, his eyes dropped, his frown returned, and his body seemed more tense. He stood up hastily, but quietly, gazing about. He tucked his wand up his sleeve and spun on his heels.

"I must to go." His voice was crisp again, what was going on? Harry grabbed onto his coat sleeve, he didn't know why but he didn't want the Malfoy boy to leave yet.

"Why? Just stay here for tonight, it's already so late." Harry pleaded, clutching onto the jacket harder. "I don't mind." He pleaded.

"Potter let go." His voice cut through like a dragon’s horn. The chosen one whipped his head up in shock as Draco had gone back to last name basis again. It _hurt_.

"Draco." Harry pleaded again, his green eyes staring into Draco's.

"Sodding Merlin, _let go_." His voice was shaky, and this action finally caused Harry to let go, at that moment Draco quickly disappeared from the room. What was going on? Harry thought they were on good terms now, they appeared pretty close earlier as Draco knocked him to his senses, he held him in his arms as he cried. Not just anybody does that. So what was going on? Harry sighed and opened up his window, leaning out to see Draco down there on the ground against the wall, lighting up a Dunhill. He was stressed. Maybe about that dream he had, but about what? Harry watched quietly as the fair blonde disappeared from below, didn't take him long to smoke, but Harry noticed him go back outside to light up another. _Merlin_ , guess he wasn't done after all. Feeling his heart ache, for the first time in months. Harry slumped against his bed staring up at the ceiling.

"Harry?" Suddenly he heard the soft voice of his best friend. 

"Hm?" He replied without breaking contact from the ceiling. 

"You okay over there?" Ron lit up the room, watching Harry carefully.

"Donno." He finally glanced over at the freckled boy, sighing in dissatisfaction. "Not sure why Draco reacted like that." His voice had gone muffled, and Ron could only reply with a shrug considering he didn’t know what even happened to start with. 

"At least you're back mate." 

"Yeah, I am." Harry smiled at him, thankful to be back. "Sorry for doing any of that, I was a total tosser." 

"Do you regret it?" Ron asked curiously, now sitting up on his bed, bouncing his legs to make them feel stop feeling prickly.   


Harry exasperated, this was the question he didn't quite want to answer, scared of his own reply. He knew the whole thing was stupid, caused people pain, delaying him of feelings without having to hold back. It was less exhausting, moreover there came a certain point where he wanted out of his own choice, and within time it got through to Draco. But why Draco? "You know, I want to say I regretted it, but to be completely honest, I don't regret it. Does that make me a horrible person?"The red head was silent for a long harrowing moment, staring out the window. Clearly thinking, his expression was forlorn, somber, his eyebrows raised but relaxed. He finally glanced back over to his friend. "Blimey you know, feeling numb probably feels nice, to cancel out all those feelings of the people we lost. But I'm glad to feel the pain, reminds me that I won't ever forget them. But Harry, you're different. You actually had to die for all of us to be here today. So everything probably hit you quite differently from the rest of us. So no, I don't think you're a bad person for doing so. Stupid maybe." 

Harry's eyes welled up as he smiled at Ron, removing his glasses he exhaled before letting the tears fall. "I snogged Draco." He spoke after a while between his light sobs.

"Bloody hell! When?" He yelped out, startled. "Today?"   


"No. Right before I took that potion." Harry rubbed his eyes, and put his glasses back on, they fogged up from the tears. 

"Wait, but Draco never said anything. Seemed like he didn't remember that night all too well." 

"Because he doesn't remember, I took that memory from him."   


"Why?" He asked curiously, arching his brow. 

"Can’t say to be honest, I wasn't right in the head." Harry looked out the window again. 

"Harry, you have to give that back to him, it's obvious he likes you. Mate you read about it in his journal!" 

"I _know._ " Harry snapped, then coughed as if relaxing himself. "Sorry, I know. I just can't explain it to him, give him the answers he'll want. I donno what Draco Malfoy means to me. He’s still _Malfoy_ , and everything can't be forgiven, even if he has regrets . . . a chance to start over." Harry's heart ached as he spoke, his head feeling foggy.

"Well, I admit he's still not my favorite person, a total and complete git. He has a past. However he did work with us to get you back, and ended up being the person to do so." Ron paused for a moment, "I don't think I'll ever fully forgive him, moreover I appreciate him giving it his all. For _you_ I can get past it, even if it is hard" 

Harry stared at his best friend again in silence, not sure what he was feeling about the subject of Draco Malfoy, but he gave a small thankful smile at him. "Well I'm still not sure where I stand completely. I know I feel something, I think. Until I know, I'm hanging onto that memory of his."   


Hermione Granger was the only person still awake in the empty lounge once Draco set foot inside, he glossed over at her with a hard sigh. Not that he didn't want to see her, but he did not feel like talking, and by the look in her eyes, it seemed like she had something to talk about. Hermione had a few books sprawled out on the table, along with some parchments as well, so she was obviously studying and seemed to be sitting slightly crooked on the couch. Draco raised an eyebrow at her bewildered.

"What were you doing?" She asked while setting her quill down. The fair blonde pulled out his elegant case which held his coffin nails inside, and he shook it. The head of curls laughed awkwardly, probably because it seemed obvious. She went back to her reading, occasionally glancing next to her side, which Draco found peculiar. However he couldn't seem to find himself wanting to leave, but just staring off into the chimney losing his mind in the flame, listening the the wood crackle away. Something was pestering him, a dream in which he had. Not pleasant, even if it did involve Potter. However in this dream it involved skarhead telling Draco things he wished to not hear, not from him anyway. Hermione seemed to notice the forlorn look written on his face, or maybe it was due to the fact that he'd been standing there for a few minutes, staring at the fire. 

"Draco, you okay?" She asked carefully, studying him. 

He was quiet for a moment, thinking about her question with wavering eyes. As soon as Hermione went back to her parchment is when the fair blonde finally replied, his voice cracked. "Do you think I'll ever be capable of redemption?" 

Obviously thrown off guard, she set her quill down again and looked straight at Draco who was still staring at the fire. At this point he didn't want to look at anything else but the fire, wishing it would consume him. "What do you mean?" Hermione wasn't sure how to answer. 

"What I said." His voice was stern, but not aggressive. 

"That's not really up to me to decide." She brushed a strand of locks behind her ear. 

"You're a good person, a brilliant person actually. If it weren't for you Potter wouldn't be here today." 

"I wouldn't say that's true actually." She was flustered by the sudden compliment. 

"Weasley too. Moreover the lot of you are good people. So is someone like me capable or redemption?" He finally turned to look at her, his cheeks were still rosy from the crisp air.

"Well given you do have a past, it won't be easy. You and your friends were cruel, cowards, and a family who did horrible unspeakable things." 

"So no?"

"However, it is not _impossible_. You just saved Harry, granted it might be because of your feelings for him. I'm not quite sure you would've done that for anyone else. Nonetheless you still did it. It _will_ take time, you have a lot to make up for Draco." Hermione tried to sound sincere for him. 

"Can I make up for everything?" His voice was shaky. 

"You can't take back what you've done, but just keep it up. Within time you may be worthy of redemption in everyone’s eyes. Our peers will not recognise it right away thought. It will take time, there's a lot of damaged people here." Hermione raised her eyes earnestly, and suddenly jerked to the side, she looked annoyed. 

"There's circumstances I can't apologise for obviously, like for my father and sodding aunt. Moreover I do apologise for ever calling you that name, and everything else I’ve done to the lot of you." The fair blonde blonde paused to brush back his silk hair. "I am sorry."

Hermione nodded at him, taking in his honest apology. "Why'd you tell me all this? Shouldn't you have had this conversation with Harry?"    


He stepped close, keeping his hands inside his coat pockets. " _Skarhead_? No. I can't face him right now." His voice sounded somber again, and before he walked off, Draco whispered in Hermione's ear. He then whisked up the steps, vanishing from the common room. 

\--  


Hermione glanced to her side sighing aggravatedly while trying to go back to her studies when she finally spoke. "Harry, he knew you were there." The invisible cloak dropped, revealing Harry Potter sitting next to the head of curls on the couch. 

"Sodding shite." He ran his hands through his coarse hair. "What am I supposed to do?"   


"You talk to him, he's dealing with some internal conflicts." Hermione answered while never looking up from her parchment. 

"But he ran out on me, and you heard the arse. He can't face me right now." Harry exclaimed in frustration, he slumped in the couch while crossing his arms. 

"Than leave him alone and give him his space." She scribbled something down before putting all her stuff up. She must have been ready for bed now. 

"I can't really do that either, not after tonight."   


"Oh for Merlin sakes Harry, _talk_ to him or _don't_ talk to him, I don't know what's going on between you two, but figure it out." She frustratedly grabbed all her books so she could head up to her dorm. "But Harry, it's nice to have you back." She smiled sweetly before disappearing back up the stairs just as Draco had a moment ago.

Harry continued to slouch in the couch, he had come down prior, after Ron had fallen asleep, and found Hermione was still studying. So he joined her for some one on one time since he was now back to his old self. Hermione almost cried, well she teared up in her hug with Harry, which he was relieved of, making Hermione cry was the worst. The two didn't actually chat for too long before Draco had come in. Harry flipped out, not sure what to do and ultimately decided to hide under his cloak. To no surprise Draco knew he was there, probably sensed that Hermione was acting strangely, because he was squirming like a tosser. Nonetheless the fair blonde was struggling with the thought of redemption, he must have had quite a dream dealing that aspect. Now it made a lot of sense why he bailed out so quickly earlier. He really has changed since the war, since sixth year at least. After all, Harry did read all about it in his journal. _Hm_. What did he need to do now? The blonde made it clear he didn't want to face him regardless of the issue. Moreover he had a feeling Draco would avoid him anyway. Whether he wanted to talk or not, so this would give Harry the time he needed to figure everything out. Hopefully.   


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, if you want to get updates on the story or about my upcoming ideas, questions, maybe even take polls! Etc. you can follow me on tumblr or twitter.  
> I reshare more shit on tumblr, twitter I post about updates and shit.
> 
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> 
> Thanks again everyone!


	9. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry avoids Draco to try and sort out his feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Once again, sorry for the delay, this chapter was a rather hard one to write because it was kinda boring. Transition chapters are always hard to write, but I added some juicy bits in there for everyone that has been so patient with this story! I'm back in fanfic mode, so I'll be updating more frequent for everyone!

**The Journal**

_ Avoidance  _

Draco groaned as he staggered down on his silk sheeted bed, he heard the springs creak as he did so. Sodding awful beds that the school provided, he swore the bed was not nearly as nice as the one he previously slept in down when he was still sleeping in the Slytherin house. He could possibly enchant it to be more comfortable, however he was still refraining from using so much magic. Draco did think about passing that off, as it seemed rather silly for a wizard. Blaise stirred in his sleep by his extra dramatic fall, the blonde raised his eyebrows in guilt, it must have been loud enough to cause him to stir in his sleep. He kicked off his docs and they landed with a loud thud which he felt bad about again, and then he hugged his fluffy white pillow. Pretending that it was  skarhead, already missing him, and his earthy scent. The fair blonde could smell the coffin nails that was seeped into his coat and jumper from his previous chain smoking fiasco. Was he smoking too much right now? Yes it was bad for him, but at what cost? Moreover he didn't seem to care all that much. It helped with his current anxiety, but maybe he should tone it down a few notches. Merlin sakes no! He sighed. 

 

Draco felt his eyelids grow heavy, weighing down on him, exhausting him more and more. He was extremely tired but he was hardly ready to go back to sleep, not after that dream he had earlier in the evening. It was not uncommon for Draco to dream about Harry Potter, very common actually. He had been having dreams about the golden boy for years now, but this dream may have started out pleasant, it had no such ending lamentably. Even if Draco enjoyed Harry's soft passionate kisses, glistening green eyes, running not so soft fingers through his messy locks. Nonetheless the fact still remains, his dream suddenly crumbled into oblivion and altered into a nightmare that tore his heart out. The boy with coarse curls suddenly pulling away, yelling at him that he was a worthless piece of shite, that he would never qualify as being redeemable. Making claims such as;  he shouldn't even be alive, he didn't deserve to be back at Hogwarts around others who he or his family may have harmed. The shock sent him straight awake, in horror. Merlin, it did not help one bit that when he woke up, he was with skarhead. It hurt too much, It may have been but a dream, although he couldn't help but wonder if these were any thoughts that Harry actually had of him. 

 

Draco sighed once more and reached under his pillow to grab the crisp ivory letter Harry had written to him. Maybe he shouldn't be thinking like this, he did write this very intimate letter to the salt haired boy after all. It was basically a love letter after all, right? Bollocks. What if it wasn't? Potter was clearly not right in the head when he wrote this. He was on the verge of a breakdown, so what if he didn't actually mean what's inside this letter? Draco shook his head, he couldn't think about that. Harry clung to him after Draco had awoken him from that damned numbing potion. The fair blonde glossed over it, his glacial eyes scanning for his favorite parts of his precious letter.  So here were the facts; The git Harry put all his faith in Draco, and it worked. Harry also said Draco had to forgive himself first, before anyone else could, as well the git has a memory of his own. Of course not to forget the tosser read his entire journal without his consent. Granted it ended up helping the chosen one in the long run, however it doesn't erase the fact that he read it. So what did he mean to Potter? This was an important answer Draco would need. Maybe he was worrying too much about whether Harry saw him redeemable was because he had no idea where they stood. Golden boy knew Draco was in love with him, he read it. On the contrary the salt haired boy didn't know how Harry felt, no idea. He seemed attached to him earlier, but he was vulnerable and just had a much needed break down. 

 

Honestly it hadn't been long since the war anyway, he was on the opposing side, done horrible things all his years at Hogwarts. Yes he was working on changing, and he was trying hard. Draco knew everyone wouldn't see this, would take years for forgiveness, if he was capable of such anyhow. However, the one person he wanted to be forgiven by was Harry Potter. Seemed like that was capable on his part, especially on how things are going at the moment, but that dream just made him unsure and scared. He didn't want Harry to forgive him, they move forward and what if Harry himself steps back? Realises he was wrong about Draco, turning his back on him. Bollocks! This was why he needed to know where they stood, or just push Potter away now and protect himself. He helped him, so now his assistance wasn't required anymore. Ah. No Draco, don't be so weak. He rolled on his side aggressively, while still holding the letter. Avoid Potter sure, but don't be a  _ weak chopper _ about it. He just needed to to process everything before facing the git. Time to think was all. That wasn't the worst right?  

 

So many thoughts rushed through his head that his brain begun hurting, hammering even. So he folded the letter up, placing it back under his pillow and drifted while still wearing his coat and everything. Desperately hoping for no more nightmares. 

\--

The relief that waved over Harry was incredible, he had no idea how much he missed a good night's rest. Especially after the kind of day he had yesterday, it was nice to just sleep all day, and he could have easily slept for a decade. That's what he did, he Hermione and Ron just hung out in their room, mostly just talking while studying. Harry had to get his grades back, considering his unemotional period seemed to not care about school what's so ever. So the head of curls volunteered to help him to catch up, as well as helping by making these oh so brilliant notes that he was very thankful to have. He was honestly glad to have his friends distracting him from a certain salt haired blonde, with oh so fair skin that was the color flour. The chosen one still remembered how he tasted, even now which several months had now passed. Draco Malfoy tasted sweet like Apple Whiskey, and harsh like his Dunhills. Harry licked his lips, suddenly feeling a little anxious. 

 

"Harry you okay?"

 

"What?" He asked with a quizzical expression. 

 

"You look hot," Ron's eyes widened as he immediately corrected himself. "Bloody Hell, I  _ mean _ your face is red." 

 

"Oh, am I?" He touched his face in curiosity, and it was warm, maybe that's why he felt so anxious. 

 

"You honestly need to talk to Draco." Hermione raised an eyebrow, obviously the head of curls was frustrated to be interrupted from their study session. 

 

"No, I donno what to say to him, how I'm even feeling towards him." Harry went quiet, staring down at his parchment paper, avoiding all eye contact. 

 

"Well figure yourself out, because this Draco business needs to be sorted out. We all know how he feels, and if you do like him. Which you probably do, we all read that letter you wrote." Hermione paused to brush her hair back. "You might lose him for waiting so long, and giving him the run around. I mean you relied on him to help you. Not me. Not Ron. Draco. That means something." 

 

"Oh. Merlin, you all read the letter?" His face heated up once more, his ears turning a rosey pink color. 

 

"Yeah, and mate let's not forget the kissing him part either." Ron stated rather smugly, his two friends were obviously trying to give him a push that he oh so desperately needed.

 

"True." Harry stated, his voice fading out while staring down at his notes that Hermione made for him. "I  _ will _ talk to him, I just need a few more days." 

 

To be quite frank, the chosen one wasn't all that sure why he was being to fickle on this matter. The very thought of Draco sodding Malfoy made his heart rate speed, his face blushed, his pants tightening, feeling anxious. He actually wanted to see him right now, hold him, and kiss him again. Devour his whole body, but this was Malfoy. The very one who he butted heads with since day one at Hogwarts. What would it mean to pursue Draco? Would people look down on him, turn away, and ruin his opportunities in becoming an auror? He sighed and ran a hand through his thick curls. Did Draco even want something more? He never actually told Harry he was in love with him, he just assumed because he read that damn journal. So what would he think if he knew about their kiss? Shove it off like it was meaningless, want to pursue him as well? Or simply would he just want to stay casual? Oh bollocks! Harry shook his head and slammed it in his lap, hitting his books. Hermione and Ron just shrugged it off, and let him be.

 

"He's gone mental Mione." Ron snickered quietly with his frizzy headed girlfriend. 

__

 

The rest of the week was very hectic for the golden boy, and even if he wanted to try and talk with Draco, he wouldn't have been able to anyway. News of him being back to his good ol emotional self surfaced Hogwarts like Dementors tracking down a criminal. So he was hounded by professors, students, and friends of course. Everywhere he went, someone always seemed to be waiting for him. Giving a hug out of excitement, and talking his ear off. Which Harry wasn't always so happy about, he hasn't been back for long now, and everyone is just reminding him of painful memories already. He didn't really feel like talking, so the golden boy would always smile, and sneak away. He felt a little guilty doing this, but sometimes it was necessary.  

 

He did try finding the arse Draco on more than one occasion, especially since it was nearing Christmas break. Even if Harry wasn't sure how he was feeling exactly for the fair blonde, he still wanted to see him before going to the Weasley's for the Holidays. However no matter how hard he  _ tried _ , Draco was nowhere to be found and he slipped out after class so quickly. Harry admitted he secretly hoped he wouldn't find the boy so he wouldn't have to sodding discuss things with him yet. He really wasn't all that ready, and everyone hounded Harry so much that he didn't get much time to himself to think it over. Harry was feeling overly conflicted over the whole matter, and it was stressful. 

 

Moreover first thing was first, Harry saw Hagrid in the beginning of the week, relieved and happy to be in the tight warm embrace of his dear friend. It brought a huge smile to the chosen one, and tears to his eyes. They talked for a bit, and the huge bear like man seemed intrigued that Draco Malfoy was the key component to helping Harry. Merlin was it weird though. Especially by the look on Hagrid's face when hearing everything Harry had to say about the ex death eater. How hard he worked to bring Harry to his senses, trying to change so he can be capable of redemption and forgiveness. Harry sighed. It all seemed so surreal now, it's didn't seem like anything that happened this year was even real, and Hagrid seemed to think so too.  _ Merlin _ . 

 

The dark haired boy didn't get to spend as much time with Hagrid as he would have hoped, but he had much to do before the Holidays, exams to study for and he wanted to see the last Quidditch match before leaving. Wanting  to cheer on his former lover Ginny, and support her as team Captain. As happy as he was to support Gryffindor and his friends, it left a pit in his stomach. He missed playing quidditch dearly, and even just flying on his firebolt. However most evenings he did end up flying around, even if it wasn't for a very long. This was mostly an excuse to see if he could see the fair blonde smoking outside. Moreover it just wasn't the same as playing quidditch, not nearly the same. It couldn’t fill that little void where Quidditch used to lie. The look on Harry's face must have caught Hermione's bored attention. 

 

"I know you miss playing." She spoke sweetly, looking down at Harry who was hunched over his knees. 

 

"Yeah." His voice faded as he stared out.

 

"Are you thinking about joining a team?" Hermione asked curiously, and glanced down to see that they made another goal. "You know, after we graduate?" The head the curls let go of the freckled boy's arm, he was entirely engrossed. 

 

"Merlin, I dunno. I would like to join a team, but I'd rather become an Aurora and help people I guess." Harry’s tone was  forlorn, like there's a tugging at his chest, and his friend could tell. 

 

"You still have time to figure it out Harry." She tried smiling. 

 

"Yeah." Harry was quiet for a while after the very short conversation with her. He narrowed his eyes, pushing his glasses up on his nose. He could have sworn that he saw Draco sitting across from them in the Slytherin section. He watched the match, Harry watching closely as the blonde soon disappeared from the stands. "Where's he going?" 

 

"Who mate?" Ron piped in, drawing his attention away.

 

"Draco."

 

"Oh.” The red head paused for a brief moment before going on.  “Why not go to him?" 

 

"Bollocks, I don't know." Harry leaned back to stretch out his back. 

 

"You're not having much fun anyway, so why not?" Ron arched an eyebrow at him. 

 

"He's right Harry, you look pretty miserable." Hermione joined in on the two after a moment of staring off, watching the game. Harry nodded, he got up and slipped away from the match as well. 

 

He briskly walked down the path, scanning for Draco, he even glanced in several different areas, and eventually let it bring him to their common room. Still no Draco though. Harry knew there was a place he wasn't thinking to look, but blimely it was no use, he couldn't find him. On the contrary, was he actually trying that hard? He could use the Marauders map, or some other enchantment. He could have easily cut Draco off after class easy if he wanted to. It wasn't as if Harry didn't want to talk with Draco. He honestly did, but what would he say? He wasn't sure he could answer anything that Draco would ask. Yes he's had time to think about it, but Merlin's beard, he was confused and for the first time in his life he felt like a coward and it wasn’t like him. 

 

He pushed his glasses back on his nose, and and slumped in his bed. Harry pulled out the special jar that held Draco's memory. He gazed at it, turning it around. This memory was no lie, yes he had feelings for the fair blonde, or else he wouldn't have kissed him. Tasted his Dunhills, stroking his soft skin, admiring his sloshed dancing. Moreover the Malfoy was still well a Malfoy. He has a past, and Harry knew how much he regretted it, he  _ read _ it. What would other people say if he got involved with him? Not only that, it was hard to picture himself intimately with Draco.Their kiss felt so natural, and what if everything else didn't come so natural? He wasn't right in the head at the time of the kiss. 

 

The chosen one had to admit he missed being held by the fair blonde. Laying there in Draco's arms, his fingers brushing through his coarse curls, humming a lullaby. The way the salt haired boy held his face, forcing eye contact so that he could break through his emotionless wall. It was simply brilliant. So why was he so scared?

 

\--

 

It always started the same, shallow breathing, skin so sweaty that it stuck together. A sensation that sent shivers down the golden boy’s spine. Full luscious lips kissing Draco's thin lips, pinning his wrist above his head. Touching his the fair blonde’s cheeks, and kissing him as if he were the single most important person in the world. Pants tightening, feeling a hard cock against his own, staring down into those wavering glacial eyes that shattered his walls to fragments. Harry would kiss the scars on his chest that he gave him so brashly. The dream always started out the same, Draco sitting next to him in potions class back when Snape was their teacher. Asking the Malfoy to give the golden boy tips, and It always began because Harry would stare at him like usual. Making snide remarks at one another until the tosser would grab Draco's textbook and throw it out of his hands so he could hold his harsh cheeks and suddenly kiss him, ravish him, devour him. Making him moan so loud that Harry feared they actually left his lips in his sleep. The golden boy could feel Draco grabbing his hips, while arching his back in pleasure. In the end the dream had a tendency to end right before Draco made his final moves, but tonight it went on. This time the Slytherin made it down to his trousers. Feeling his crotch, making him moan before slowly unzipping them. Instead of waking up frantically, he had the pleasure to see what actually came next in the erotic dream of his. The fair blonde kissed him passionate and hard, tasting him while rubbing his cock in a motion that could have made him cum right then and there. In gasped breathes Harry shot up out of bed almost falling out, trying not sound like he was moaning. Did he moan? The idea brought a dark flush to his cheeks. Hoping he didn't wake up his best friend, because that would have been rather awkward. He was hard as fuck,  _ bollocks _ . It was a constant dream he had all week, but tonight it seemed the most intimate, and went on far longer than the norm. Now it was clear more than ever that he wanted Draco, and he desperately wanted to . . . he wanted to sodding fuck him. 

 

Harry rubbed his temples, his head was foggy after all that, and there was no way he could go back to sleep now. Especially since his face was so red and flaming like a dragon’s breath, and that's when he crouched, sneaking off to the washroom to take care of this boner he had. He tiptoed off, grabbing a towel with him. Harry would need a hot shower, a steaming shower actually. Once he walked in, he noticed that one of the showers was currently being used. Who else was up this early taking a shower? Suddenly he paused, watching Draco walk out of the steaming shower. His fair blonde hair was stuck to his face and he slicked it back like he used to first year, water dripping down his naked slender body. Harry's green eyes went wide, he was naked right there in  _ front  _ of him. Merlin was he  _ absolutely _ beautiful.

 

His bone structure was perfect, alluring to his pale skin, his nipples were a dark pink color in comparison to his fair skin color. His mall lean stature was so different from his own, especially with how tall Draco was, the Malfoy was still rather slim. And his arse was perfect, like it was molded by pure Gods from another realm. Harry flushed even more as he was gawking at Draco's cock as he dried himself off, water droplets hitting the floor. The chosen one could feel his heart speeding up so fast that it almost hurt, his pants tightening again, Draco was the most beautiful creature in this moments. The Slytherin stared in the mirror looking dejected, concerned and forlorn. It tugged at Harry's chest, he could feel it dropping. Draco's slender fingers gripping on the sink, his knuckles turning white, while he stares at his tired expression in the mirror, bags clearly under his glacial eyes. "Sodding shite." He sighed and then turns on his heels now facing Harry. "Well fuck." 

 

"Hey." Harry awkwardly waves, hoping his blush isn't noticeable but it most likely was. 

 

Draco quickly tied his towel around his waist, and passed Harry Potter, smelling all too fresh and alluring. The salt haired boy was too tired to deal with him tonight. The Draco paused and glanced over his shoulder to say one thing to him.

"You have a boner Skarhead." Draco snidely remarks before heading out of the washroom flawlessly. Harry’s face was so hot that he felt like his dark skin was melting, and so he stormed into the shower, blasting the steaming water to take away all sinful thoughts of Draco Malfoy, however it did no good. He gave himself a good wanking, thinking back to his dream, the Dunhills smell and his rich sweet cologne. Admiring those thin lips sucking him off, his icy eyes staring up at him . . . Oh for Merlin's sake, he bit his lip so he wouldn't moan. He definitely needed to settle this. And tomorrow was the last day before their Holiday break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Harry was being kind of a coward dork in this chapter, lol. He'll get better! His emotions have been shoved back for so long, so he needs some adjusting haha. (that's my excuse anyway)
> 
> Hope you're still enjoying this story and follow me as I finish this tale of my fav gay wizards! 
> 
> Follow me on twitter if you want updates on the story, and fanart! :)  
> And on there you can give me the push I need to write and post on here haha  
> wendigochild13
> 
> Until next time!


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